Views...

I've been thinking today...
ok... well I think every day but not about this particular thing...
I'm a 5 and he's a 10 and I don't have a solid dream in my life that I can pursue and be happy about in the long run... I don't know what I want to do or where I want to be or how I'm getting there. I know that I could easily pick up as an assistant to a few art places but I have nothing solid to show anyone. I am the most unorganized mess I've ever come across in life and I'm afraid that he has his life all planned out and everything is going to be great and I can't measure up to what he needs. I know this is all reflective of my absolutely superb self esteem (if you don't catch the sarcasm, here I'll point it out for you.) but I really don't think I'm good enough. He wants all these things out of life and hes willing to go get them and I don't even know what I'm working towards. I'm stagnant water now. I live in my bed and I'm too afraid of the outcome of things to go out and do what I'm passionate about. I don't know how, I have no direction and no one to point me in that direction anymore. I'm so afraid that I'm just a filler. Something sweet in the large glass of bitter shit that makes your head spin, something that makes things easier to swallow. I don't want to be an option, but I don't want to be a necessity. I don't know why I am where I am and I've lost who I was somewhere in the last year. I've hit someone I never thought I'd lay hands on, I've watched life come into this world, I've started learning a new language and making friends all over the world and losing the ones I have right here. I don't sleep nearly as much as I should and I always forget to eat for roughly 3 days at a time. I'm not going to the gym anymore and my body is ruined. I'm hiding so much from so many and I know he can see it and has asked me before... but I can't just let go that easily. I wish I could but at the same time I know that while I feel like I'm beginning to need him, I'm also terrified that he will run if I lay everything bare. I feel like I'm being looked at as this two dimensional character that lives inside of a computer and not as a multidimensional human on the other side of one. I cry, he doesn't know. I scream, he doesn't hear. I hit things, he doesn't see it or hear it or feel it. I pull out my own hair, literally, and claw at my skin hoping that I can find the release and escape from what I see and become what I feel. I went from being so happy and so sure to this... I'm just existing right now... Not living, not out there learning from interactions, not making friends... The roles look so reversed to me now... I thought he was the one so shut off from the world around him... and really I am. I thought he was the one keeping so many things from me... not telling me about his past and why he is the way he is... but at least he is trying... I'm not anymore... I've fallen so hard that I'm afraid if I slip up or make the wrong move, it will all go away. I'm fucked.