Tonight is proving to be much harder than the last two nights... I mean I've gone without talking to him for a max of 4 days in a row... in the last 9 months... and this would be day three... I feel like if I don't find a distraction soon that I'll break... I'll totally break down and cry and honestly DEAL with the whole thing... and that has me so afraid that I'm actually frantically looking for SOMEONE to keep my mind off of this. Someone to sweep me up just like he did when AJ and I ended.
All I keep doing is snapping this rubber band on my wrist to keep myself distracted from the emotional pain and start thinking about "holy hell that hurts..."
All the dreams we shared, were they lies?
All the plans we made, were they empty or did he actually intend to make things work?
Was this just a game to him?
When did things change?
WHY did things change?
I was waiting tonight on an email from him... even if it was another stupid Barao Vermelho song that I would have to avoid for the rest of forever... I actually allowed myself to hope that he was going to keep writing. Allowed myself? no... I would have never given my permission to that horrible idea... that is an idea that I know would break me... but it snuck in like the cockroaches he fears so much and dropped its little eggs of hope in my heart and mind to accompany the eggs of fear that were only placed there when he left. I feel so fucked. I've never feared loving someone wholeheartedly... I've never feared letting someone in and allowing them to get close to me... NEVER... I've always been an open book... and now he comes along, pushes buttons, pulls levers, turns knobs, and here I am... mechanical and closed off and desperate for anything else at this point...
I'm not going to deal with this... I'm not going to sit down and go through my emotions... the first night, I drowned my sorrows in a jar of moonshine, but they resurfaced so I grabbed a deeper bottle and tried to drown them in vodka instead. The second night I stayed awake until I was so exhausted that I knew as soon as I fell asleep I wouldn't dream... but this is the third night, my parents get on their flight to leave in 4 hours, and then I get to be here for 10 days by myself... I keep telling my dad that I'll be fine but the honest answer is I don't fucking know... I'm going to medicate myself into a zombie mode, until friends say they are coming over, then I'll not take the pills... but I'm craving the numbness that comes with them... Its not abuse, I'm using them as directed... I'm just in more need of them now than I have been in the last... almost year... but I guess I need to be careful that I don't eat them like candy and black out again... FUCK... How can someone so far, so irrelevant to life, have such a huge impact on mine? Someone that I've never even brushed past in a grocery store or on the way into a gas station... a complete stranger... has me so... bound... I don't even know who I am anymore...
One things for sure... and its not him.
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