Perks of the panic

Mondays events eventually took a huge toll on my mental health...

Monday's events included -
While at the gyno office (which by the way I avoided for the last 5 years now out of fear of the next exam being as invasive and excruciating an careless as the first one) I got asked by like 3 people how far along I am, to which I had to repeatedly respond "I'm not..." and by repeatedly I don't just mean three times, I mean I had to tell three different people, multiple times, that I am not and never have been pregnant.
then I argued with the lady at the desk about where my pharmacy is "Watt and Elverta..."
"no I'm sorry, is that on Antelope or N. Antelope?"
"Watt... and... Elverta..."
"but is it Antelope or N. Antelope?"
/rage.
Then my step mom pushes into the conversation after letting this continue for what seemed to me like forever and seven years and says "can you put in the zip code?" so the woman puts in the zip code and looks at us and says "so do you want to one on Watt and Elverta or Antelope?" O_O ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU STUPID BITCH!

Then the doc tells me he wants to have my thyroids and cholesterol checked because I'm "significantly overweight"... FUCK OFF OLD MAN I'VE LOST A FIRST GRADER SIZE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT AND I'M WORKING ON LOSING MORE YOU FUCKING DICKFACE! Oh and your tests will come back with nothing because I've had them run like 7 times in a year span.

oh and then the fucking Russian that took my blood for yet another pointless test (do you have STDs?!... no I don't. fuck off.) didn't know what he was fucking doing and DUG AROUND IN MY ARM WITH A NEEDLE! trying to find the vein... and then said "oh I'm not getting blood" o-o yea, I see that... thanks... ya know, me mentioning at the beginning of this "I'm terrified of needles" doesn't mean stab me once and dig around with it!!! oh and then he takes the rubber band off my arm and says "I don't see where to get any blood" O_O ohhh so that BIG BRIGHT BLUE VEIN RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU TOOK THE RUBBER BAND OFF MY ARM isn't an option? "oh well yes I could get it from there but that is very sensitive..." Yea, and digging in my arm with a needle isn't? FUCK OFF YOU SOFT SPOKEN PRETTY RUSSIAN!! so he gets to needle in my arm where i tell him to... and leaves the rubber band around my arm the ENTIRE TIME... therefore the blood was baaaaaaaaaaarely flowing... "Yea I do not know what is wrong, I'm not getting much blood" Well you fucking genius, I already told you how to do your job once, why do I need to tell you again? You need to take the rubber band off my arm and allow the blood to flow into your stupid painful needle that is in my fucking arm and allow blood to get to the rest of my arm please!!! But I stay silent and just concentrate on not killing him... and what do I have now? A BRUISE! A BIG UGLY BRUISE! I've never bruised from getting blood drawn!! NEVER!

Then I went to the book store and asked for John Green books... "If we have then they will be over there" naaaah because I havent been looking over there for about 10 minutes! Can ya look it up on your computer please?! ok fine, so they don't have any... cool... Cassandra Clare? "if we have any they would be right there... take a look around" O_O I hate you die in a fire...

Then to DMV... full of a painful amount of stupid. I failed my first written test by 1 point, and re took it and only missed one, so I'm a permitted driver now. Fabulous. So now I get to drive... I get to drive and have to consciously make an effort to not kill other humans or myself on a daily basis... That should prove to be rather difficult...

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Then I get in the car with my dad on Wednesday and ask if I can drive... "no, I'm tired." oh, because you driving the car is going to make you less tired? and you being tired has everything to do with me driving?!
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I HATE HUMANS! I AM SO MUCH BETTER OFF NOT INTERACTING WITH OTHER PEOPLE!

My best friend turned 21 on April 19th, and Saturday we're supposed to go celebrate her birthday... my step mom invited my step sister?! (for those of you who don't already know, I hate my step sister with a large yet mildly controlled forest sized wild fire) AWESOME! So the girl that runs her mouth WITHOUT drinking is going to be out in public and drinking with us? Fantastic.

And then I got told that I'm being scheduled for a photoshoot for my step moms family on Sunday... which, mind you, is Mother's Day... as if I don't have a mom and don't want to go spend time with my mom and grandma instead of being with all these fucking women! How inconsiderate!

(I was going to start blaming the very beginning of starting birth control pills for this emotional roller coaster. Laugh like a psychopath, cry like my family was just murdered in front of me, sleep for 18 hours straight, cry when I wake up, and rage the rest of the day... but then on Thursday I realized it wasn't the birth control...)

Basically what happened on Wednesday night is that I sat in my room and went all Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde... I did this when I was at the apartment too and I was literally snapped. I had lost all control of who I was and what I did and still to this day do not remember everything that happened and this time, I saw it happening... it was very surreal... like I was standing on the other side of the room and watched myself go from crying to laughing to crying to calm to laughing to angry to calm to angry to crying... all over the charts... and it was unnerving... I couldn't stop it... so what I tried to do was leave my room and force myself to gain some sort of composure... I walked into the parents room and stood there and was smiling and fine and then just started laughing and then crying... I couldn't even force myself to be composed... I tried so fucking hard and couldn't do it. I failed. Then after deciding I couldn't do it, I went back to my room and allowed it to continue. What does one do in those situations? I just had to accept that this is what was happening and ride it out, right? Wrong. I had my medication. I took a xanax and then was back to my cool composed self. I felt so... wrong... empty... fucked... I felt like a huge failure because for the first time, they saw what I have been hiding... just the smallest of glimpses but still, they saw. The thing about this is that you would think, them being my parents and all, that they would have seen this before... but they haven't because I am ashamed of it. I hid it as best as I could, behind my doors, in my blankets, buried in AJ's chest to muffle the sounds of my absolutely ridiculous outbursts... anything for them not to see or hear of my weakness. I do not like them seeing me like that, I do not like the possibility of them knowing that I am like that in any form...

So I had this epic melt down and posted this awesomeness on Facebook a few days later...

This lead to me calling my mom and crying and telling her how much of a failure I am and what happened and she came and got me, called my former therapist, got the number for Adult Access (the adult mental health facilities) and they are now trying to get me on SSI and in to see a therapist regularly again and adjust my medication because my former therapist flat out said "I don't see you being able to hold a job like a normal person, you can't even go to the doctor, book store, and DMV, all in one day... how would anyone expect you to go work with thousands of people you have to deal with every day?" and she is right... So... here we are... trying to get me the help that I need and trying to get things situated.

One things for sure... I can't do this again. I'd rather die.