Ticket.

I loved him.
I loved the way he wanted so badly for me to change who I was
I love the serious one sided conversations he would have at me about how his life is going to be wonderful
I love his ambition and wanderlust
I loved his secrecy and privacy
I loved how he put me at ease with simple adoration
"I'll be your prince and you'll be my princess."
I forgot that kings had whores... most women forget this.
I loved his weird need to clean my room and his infuriating attempts to get me to be less sentimental and start cutting ties.
I told myself it was because he was a simple man.
I told myself it was because he was a man.
I lied to myself for him over and over and it became who we were.
I'm sick. Like... seriously sick. I can't eat anything.
I can't stop vomiting
Pissing myself
Spewing blood
Losing sleep
Losing consciousness
Losing my will to live.
There is a parasite growing inside of me.
Its feeding off of my body, stealing my life to continue its own.
Draining me, literally.
We can do this though.
We can get through this.
Together.
We.
Partners.
The hospital walls are cold and painted ugly grey-blue.
Is my parasite still in there?
Am I still going to be a mother?
I feel the life draining from me and I push on.
This is not a battle I will lose.
Its now or never.
Alone.
The hospital bed is uncomfortable.
Shifty.
Nutrition flowing with every beep.
I have bruises.
But I am alive.
I am alone but I am alive and I am working for this.
For us.
Our family.
Our future.
Our child.
He sits in silence and secrecy.
Its no ones business.
No one needs to know.
He loves his privacy more than he loves me.
Home.
I missed my own pissed on bed.
I missed my red walls and clothes.
I missed my vomit bucket
I missed his touch
His soothing touch that made me remember that we're in this together.
Together.
I suffered through months without him by my side.
I suffered through hospital visits and ER.
I cried.
I argued for myself.
My body is failing and I'm trying my best to make it through this.
Together.
We're going to be parents.
He sits across the room, doesn't even look at me.
My stomach is huge.
This part is almost over.
He just sits there.
His phone is interesting.
He's updating his family, they couldn't be here for the birth of their only grandchild.
Pitocin.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Nothing.
No pain, no labor.
I sigh and ask how much longer.
I'm miserable and his phone is more important than me.
I'm hours away from giving birth to our child.
His child.
He couldn't care less.
No, he's here and that means he cares.
He loves me or he wouldn't be here.
He wouldn't have told me we could start this family if he didn't love me.
My body shakes with the waves of laboring.
Our child is stuck.
They start talking to me about surgery.
Remove the parasite.
Give me my body back.
Give me my life back.
Let me eat food without fear.
He sits on the couch across the room.
He won't even look at me.
My dad whispers to him and tells him to go to me.
I need him.
He sits next to me and tells me to just keep breathing.
This will all be over soon.
I loved that I could tell him everything
He would sign off after telling me he didnt care.
I loved doing my hair and makeup and getting dressed up for him
He wouldn't acknowledge it
He would say it was too much
I would ask how his day went
He would bitch about how his life was in ruins and he couldnt wait for it to get better
He needed a change
Let's get married.
Thats whats best for our situation
We're in a situation
No, we're in love. He loves me. He wants to marry me.
Let's pick out the colors that your groomsmen will wear at our wedding.
Groomsman. One. I don't want people up there with me. I don't want to ask anyone to participate. I'd rather be up there alone.
I picked out our flowers. My dress. Over and over I looked at the dresses.
Which one would leave him breathless and make him want to be with me forever?
What will I say to him up there when we express our love in front of our family and friends?
No, only my family and friends. His would not be participating.
Too expensive for them to come.
Too far for them to travel.
Let me handle it.
We set a wedding date.
They still havent bought their tickets
Why arent they buying their tickets?
They know something I don't know.
They raised him, he procrastinates on everything important, he must have learned that from them.
He's going to Europe.
Why is he not coming home to be with us?
Does he love us?
Are we enough?
We.
Together.
No.
Am I enough, does he love me?
Weeks without contact.
Lie after lie.
Lies to cover up other lies.
He's travelling.
Backpacking.
No internet connection.
No phone.
When he stops in a place with internet he will call.
He's seeing the world.
I loved him.
I wanted him to see the world.
I wanted him to be happy.
When he was done, he would come home to me.
To us.
To his family.
He said he wanted to marry me.
"I hope this works out for us."
Lie.
"I love you. I can't wait to end this distance and finally start our lives together as a family."
Lie.
Her hair, deep brown, surrounds him as he bends to kiss her.
The wind blows and fills him with her intoxicating scent.
"I love you."
"I will fix my situation and we will be together."
Situation.
The truth.
I keep lying to myself for him.
This is a situation.
We are a situation and we needed to be fixed.
Fixed.
Tossed aside.
Old technology.
Yesterday's news.
She knew about us and she didn't care.
We are a situation he was fixing.
Get over it.
He doesn't love us, never has.
Never.
I knew that.
"I'll be your prince and you'll be my princess"
Lines I knew by heart.
Lines I took to heart.
She can have them.
She can have him.
Kings have whores.
She knows that.
A whore can never be a queen.
She's delusional.
I was delusional too, but never that much.
I lied to myself for years. For him.
I loved him.
I loved the way he let me write it all off as simple man shit.
I loved the plans we... I... had set out for us.
I loved my dress and my ring and my plans.
I loved my world.
He lied for years and I made it okay.
I lied for him for years and he made it okay.
I was along for the ride and I didn't remember getting on.
Someone else got on and I didn't see it.
I didn't know I was on a ride.
Amusement parks have rides.
I didn't remember entering an amusement park.
Is that what this was?
Thats what this was.
I purchased a ticket
I jumped aboard.
I kept looking at the vast beauty of the sky above me
My feet weren't on solid ground.
He knew.
She knew I was on the ride when she got on.
She knew I didn't see her there and he liked it that way.
He shoved me off the ride when I wasn't looking and I hit the ground hard.
They laughed.
My stomach churns.
I hear his name.
I see his face.
I hear his voice.
My stomach aches and my mouth fills with the bitter pre-vomit saliva.
He wants my son to stay on the ride.
My son.
Not his toy.
I stand up as quickly as I can and I jerk my son off of the ride before they take off again.
I'll protect you.
I won't let him do to you what he did to me.
To us.
I won't let him play with us.
You.
Me.
Together.
Absolutely will not.
I swing you up on my hip and hold you close to me.
We'll find a way out of this amusement park.
Together.
I'm so sorry.
I should have been keeping my eyes on my feet.
Not my eyes on the sky.
I need to look around me
Stop lying to myself.
Lying for him.
I'm so sorry.
You deserve better than this.
I won't let him do this to you.
I hope you understand.
I hope you don't hate me.
I already hate myself enough.
Because you deserve better.
WE DESERVE BETTER.