So I had a long talk with AJ.
Yea, shocker... (for those of you who are new to the blog reading, AJ is my ex... we were together for five years and we just broke up in September)
I asked what happened. I needed to know... not that I wanted to fix things between us because I don't at all. I would love to be his friend but that is it! Anyways long story short (the list of things that went wrong)
- My very open personality... or to be honest... my big mouth. I tell anyone anything. If someone asks, I tell... and sometimes when people don't ask... I still feel the need to tell... NO subject was off limits.
- I did not support him in his hardest time... I met him half way when I should have had his back on 100% of the issue, not 50%... In a sense I can see where I was wrong and that I should have bit my tongue on my opinions about what was going on... but I'm very stubborn and set in my ways and that really needs to change.
- Alright... I sent a text when I was like 18 to my ex asking to see a tattoo that he said he had of my name. He said something along the lines of 'cant show you because you would have to see a picture of my penis to see the tat'... being a stupid and curious girl I said 'i dont care. show me.' Now before you jump to conclusions......... I asked to see the tattoo, not his penis. I wanted to see it because I doubted the existence of it. He never sent the picture. I still don't honestly know if it exists... But AJ found the text, came in the room, threw the phone at me, and lost all trust for me... He said he doesn't think I could have ever built that trust back up... well I thought I had but then when he accused me (in August) of cheating on him I knew right there that I never got his trust back in the least bit... he stood there and there was no doubt in his mind that I cheated on him no matter how many times I screamed, cried, begged for him to believe me... I swear on everything I did not and would never cheat on him. I would die before I did that to him.
Anyways... they are all standing out to me so much now that I almost wish I never asked. I see me doing the first thing so bad... I blocked everyone from seeing my facebook wall (yea thanks for letting me know I could do that Stacy!). I untagged Athila in all the pictures I have of him and drew of us because I know he doesn't like people to see them because the reflect a part of his personal life... I'm trying not to post anything regarding our relationship and what we do... I'm trying to stop. Stop being so open and willing to give up all information... its the most exhausting thing I've done in years... Draining almost... I mean I can't say I won't write about things here in my blog, because I know there is absolutely no outlet if I let this go. I can draw and paint and keep a journal and hide all my posts on facebook, and none of that would matter if I didn't flat out SAY what was going on for me... This blog isn't for everyone, its for me. If you read it, fine. Cool. This is the easiest way to get to know everything about me... my thoughts, feelings, what I see, do, hear, love, hate... you get the point... This is the quickest way to me. So while I may stop posting things on facebook about my life and whats going on, I refuse to stop posting it all here (and well... the LFAD forums get tons of things too, but only my lfad friends are on there and they post tons too... don't judge me!)
Oh my god I feel sick... This is honestly going to be one of the harder things I've tried to do... closing myself off after being so open for so many years... But I don't want to ruin this. I don't want to let a stupid flaw of mine ruin something that I care so much about... I already let it chase off someone I cared about. I let it ruin me in return. Now here I am looking and being all happy and whatnot and I'm afraid... no... TERRIFIED... that a flaw of mine will ruin this, and in turn... me... when I have a chance to try and fix it...
One things for sure... this is not going to be easy for me. AT ALL!
Your spouse in life should accept you as you are. And if they don't then they are not the one for you. There is truly a man out there that will love every piece of you: including your 'big mouth' or your 'stubborness'. Don't just settle for what you think you know as 'true love' when it isn't. Be yourself and if people don't like that then they can eff off. Your too good to waste your precious time on someone who doesn't accept ALL of you.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from. I was completely exposed. WIDE OPEN with information and pictures of me just out of the shower.
ReplyDeleteLes told me that guys will look at those pictures and use their imagination... and some guys will even fap to those kinds of photos.
WHY, when they could find all KINDS of fully nude photos on the internet?! I asked him this, all confused....
The appeal is apparently that they *know* you.
So all these people on facebook that I consider friends and classmates and what not, they suddenly became threats. Any time I upload a picture, that kid that I added 4 years ago who was in my math class was picturing me naked (as an example... I don't KNOW that lol).
On the other hand, I have found it INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to stifle my photos of myself and my posts about our relationship and stuff.
I think I've found a happy medium. Some stuff I show everyone, some stuff I show this list of people, some stuff I show that list of people. All of the lists (except besties) have Les in them. I told him if he ever wants to see the besties group he can log right into my profile and look. I have nothing to hide from him, as long as he doesn't pretend to be me.
Anyway, I hope you can find your happy medium. Don't deny yourself all the fun of facebook. It's addicting... and weird that we are up there every day trying to sell ourselves basically... "sales" made being comments left on status posts and link posts and photo posts etc...
KK done writing a book lol. Seriously, though, don't deny yourself everything. And IMO if you feel your relationship should be public IT SHOULD BE. Even if it isn't public on his page. <3