Valentine

One would assume I would be writing happy lovey shit today right?
No.
I'm actually crying. Not because I don't get to spend the day with my amazing boyfriend, I didn't expect to.

There are a few things that have me in a strangely uncomfortable state of emotions today...
A: today is the day I move into my old bedroom... my step sister just moved out (which is a god send!!) and I just walked into that room when it was empty and this huge wave of fucked off emotions hit me... last time I was in there I was packing up my things and moving out and into the apartment with AJ.
B: Two years ago today Shelby's mother came and said she wanted to take him home with her to keep him... I tried everything I could think of aside from killing her to keep him. I was moving my pictures into the bedroom and out of this one and two of them are of Shelby... It didn't hit me til I went to hang them up and realized the fucked up reality that today was 2 years ago, here I am with outdated pictures of my baby that resents me for letting his mom take him away from me. He wouldn't even hug me or look at me or anything last time I saw him. I feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest through my throat and then punched a hole in my back and fixed it back in place after breaking it.
C: The one person that was sitting there keeping me from hurting myself, keeping me from just flat out dying that day... he told me the other night "I hate you." I feel sick to my stomach because while all these emotions are hitting me hard I want to call on someone that I trust and someone that I know has seen me at my worst and just cry to them... but he hates me. I didn't do anything to make him hate me. He is one of my best friends. One of the two. The one that pulled me through the most fucked up parts of my life. The one that held me when I spent months crying  myself to sleep after they took him from me... The person that was there. The one that understands what I went through... saw me at my absolute lowest...

I feel like vomiting. I don't know what to move out of this room and into that one... I know i need my bookshelves to go... I don't know where to put them... I don't know how to get the new bed out of the garage and into the room... I don't know which one I need to put in first or where I'm going to put things... and my body is so sore and exhausted and hurts from working out every fucking day... NO MORE TEARS WILL BE SHED! I am tougher than this. I have too much to do today, there is no time to sit and cry and feel bad about things I can't change.

One thing's for sure... tonight when the lights are off and everything goes quiet, all I'll be left with is my thoughts.