breakthrough

Tiff says:
 hi
Athila says:
 Hi
Tiff says:
 I love you
Athila says:
 I love you...
Tiff says:
 I also love the colors green orange and red
 which is probably why i like autumn more than any other season
Athila says:
 ah ok...
 I like winter...
 I was born in winter
 but it's not the reason
 i don't know why
Tiff says:
 I was born in winter too
Athila says:
 there
Tiff says:
 yep
Athila says:
 summer here
Tiff says:
 hahah i think thats so cool
Athila says:
 what
Tiff says:
 that our seasons are so opposite
Athila says:
 they are like fraction mutiplication...
Tiff says:
 recipricals? flipped? haha
 yea
 grr i need a song for valentines day to send to my friends at LFAD
 >.<
 one that isnt on the playlist
Athila says:
 hm...
Tiff says:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV3HHmXt73I
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxjwI5e_Uac
 one of those i think
Athila says:
 let me load it
Tiff says:
 im pretty sure i sent you both of them before
Athila says:
 I don't know...
Tiff says:
 i have
 Tiff says:
 im sore and i love it
 i need to up my weights tomorrow though because im not as sore as i want to be
Jamie says:
 Masochist. lol
Tiff says:
 bwahahaha
 yes.
 yes i am.

 lol
Athila says:
 i prefer this one

"Mirror Song [feat. Kristina Horner]" by Alan Lastufka & Luke Conard
Tiff says:
   ok
Athila says:
 and yes you sent them
 b4
Tiff says:
 yep
Athila says:
 yep what ?
Tiff says:
 i sent them before
Athila says:
 ok
Tiff says:
 today is much better than yesterday for me
Athila says:
 whjat ?
Tiff says:
 yesterday I was a ridiculous emotional wreck from the minute i woke up... today I have been much much better.
Athila says:
 I am like this everyday.
Tiff says:
 an emotional wreck?
Athila says:
 yes...
Tiff says:

 anything i can do?
Athila says:
 Nobody can fix it
 Not even myself
 I am completely destroyed inside.
Tiff says:
 if you put up that wall no one can help you.
 because you wont let them
 by saying "nobody can fix it" you put up that wall. you block people out and doubt everyone that tries.
Athila says:
 And I really won't let them in.
Tiff says:
 are you afraid of being vulnerable?
 or that once you let someone in they will fuck it up even more than it already is instead of helping you?
Athila says:
 Not really... I've been milled and with the pieces I've built the walls you ask yourself so much about, that means, there is nothing there, I feel badly empty by the moment I put my foot in the floor until the moment I close my eyes to finally sleep.
 So, now that you are possibly starting to figure out how I feel everyday, I will explain you some things...
Tiff says:
 ok
Athila says:
 All this heavy stuff is what makes me up and that's why ANY kind of relationship is trully hard with me, that's why I care about privacy, the less people know about me, better because I don't really give a shit for people's lives as well... I am all secret because I just want a piece of what they have to offer me
 I examples:
 University:
- if you were Brazilian, you would never fall in love with me, that's the first point, and this I am SURE of... I am a student and I have so many others in the same place so the relation I have with them is strictly academic and NOTHING further, unless I feel that I can be benefited in another aspect too, but those credits don't exist in the first analysis.
 The well done emotions manipulation makes me to be well succeeded in those relationships at universit or any other place where I have to share space with people.
 Work:
- I am hard worker and again, relationships tough but good at the professional side because here we have things to be delivered and I put people to do what they have to do, because I do what I have to do, so the thing is very easy, they love me and my work but there is no extension of relationship beyond work. I am here from 00:00 up to 8 AM, after this, life continues to them as well as to
 me.
 I live for myself, I live submerged into emotions and feelings and I am a moonstruck when it comes to this subject, romantism and romantic music, suffered stories they fascinate me, I appreciate old and delicate stuff.
 I live like this, I hate people to know 0,5% of who I am what I do or what I like, I live from logic reasoning, forcing a friendship between my shattered heart and my obscure mind.
 I am like this, I live like this, I live alone, I am alone.
Tiff says:
 you choose this. you like to be this way, alone. you like that no one gets close because thats too much for you to handle. you manipulate the minds and emotions of everyone around you to benefit you because your main goal is to get to the top. you enjoy the suffering because its comfortable to you. like you thrive on it. you don't want someone else to fix it because you like the view from where
 you're sitting.
 if you didnt, you would invite someone in to change it up for you. its like you're sitting in your study and someone tries to walk in and the doors are locked so you can be in there alone, in the dark with the curtains drawn and dust gathering on all the books on the shelves and your desk. someone just needs to pick the lock on the door, walk in and pull back the curtains at noon.
 life is beautiful. to live in love and experience things with people is amazing. to be part of a community, to find people that love the same things as you, feel the same way as you... thats something you need in your life. you may not want it right now, but one day you will.
 I want to be the one to pick the lock and pull open the curtains one day.
Athila says:
 Well, I am sorry but I don't really know what you expect to hear...
Tiff says:
 I don't expect anything
 if i expected something i would have given up a long time ago
 and I'm not one to give up.
 you're fascinating
Athila says:
 What?
Tiff says:
 you are fascinating. I'm so used to people that are closed off because they just LOOK closed off when really they are just shallow beings, but you're different
Athila says:
 People are shallow being in their general.
 I am deeper than you think.
Tiff says:
 I want to know
Athila says:
 What?
Tiff says:
 I'm sorry, I feel like im intruding on something you don't want me to be part of but I'm genuinely fascincated by you. I want to know everything. your thoughts, your feelings, everything in your head and heart. what makes you tick
Athila says:
 I understand...
Tiff says:
 If you don't want me to know things, I'll be ok with sitting here and working a little at a time to know you.
 granted, sometimes I'll get frustrated and kick and scream about how you are so closed off... but I'll get over it... I'll calm down.
Athila says:
 If you do it, especially at my face, you will get results you won't ever like...
Tiff says:
 then I'll try not to do it to your face
Athila says:
 Screaming at all.
Tiff says:
 I'm not one to scream
Athila says:
 Good.
Tiff says:
 i meant that figuratively
Athila says:
 Better.
Tiff says:
 I'm more of a get angry, breathe, leave the room, sit down and calm myself and then try to talk things out once I'm totally calm
 kind of person
Athila says:
 I understand...
Tiff says:
 random thought : I actually kinda hate valentines day. I don't know what Sabrina told you exactly about vday, but I hate it. always have.
Athila says:
 nothing.
Tiff says:
 ?
Athila says:
 she didn't say anything
Tiff says:
 oh ok
Athila says:
 The living together with me is hard and I realize it in other people's perspective... you don't see me getting along not even with my mom... I am not saying that I am proud of it, I am just ok with this...

Relationships (not boy/girl - all of them) with me are amazing are the sametime because, unfortunately, people trust me 100% of their lives for the person who I am... I can't be bad with a

single ant in this world, but I have full control of everything I touch, the good part is that I always use this manipulation (if that's how I can call it) for good, always.
Tiff says:
 have you done it to me
Athila says:
 What ?
Tiff says:
 manipulated me
Athila says:
 Stop asking me, you might not like what you will listen to.
Tiff says:
 i mean, i see that you did it kinda when I first met you.
 but i don't pay much attention to if you have done it recently or not.
Athila says:
 that's obvious...
Tiff says:
 ouch lol
Athila says:
 what ?
 What I mean is...
 brb
 I am back...
Tiff says:

Athila says:
 So what I meant it, you are influenced by an emotion so it's kinda hard to distinguish if you are feeling manipulated or not...
Tiff says:
 I don't FEEL manipulated.
 if I did I would quit.
Athila says:
 You feel free...
Tiff says:
 no.
 but not manipulated
 more like... you gave me that nudge into the situation I'm in now, and I don't leave it because I don't want to.
Athila says:
 which situation ?
Tiff says:
 falling for you
 lmfao a sharp shooter eh?
 shit. wrong window... >.<
Athila says:
 ok
 Anyway...
Tiff says:
 anyways, you made it so easy to fall in love with you. i wanted to, i didnt realize that it was happening til it did, but you made it easy.
Athila says:
 I know and I understand why...
Tiff says:
 ?
Athila says:
 Ah...
 I am not sure how to make you understand it...
 I feel like a leader... That tipical person that does the job, that corrects the mess, that puts the stuff in order, that organizes the shit, that saves the princess, and leave... I told you, I live in the top of the hill, like an eagle...
Tiff says:
 >.< I just caught myself turning my head to the side like it would make me better comprehend all that when I'm slightly exhausted... didnt work
 you're going to save the princess and fix the shit and then leave?
Athila says:
 Slower... That's how I feel, that's how I've lived my life so far... And I do it when I feel the need to help, because it's craved in my soul, for an unknown reason, that people should live alone, by themselves, or at the very least, if they want to share a life with somebody, they first need to learn how to survive in the deathmatch.
 craved I meant spiked
Tiff says:
 then why are you with me?
Athila says:
 Wait... Just a second, I am on call.
Tiff says:
 k
Athila says:
 What kind of answer do you expect ?
Tiff says:
 an honest one
 silence works too...
 >.<
Athila says:
 No I was on the call but you see how complicated you leave things to me? When you explain your feelings for somebody, teach me, so I can answer it.
Tiff says:
 why are you with me. why are you interested in me. i cant be there to have sex with you, i cant force myself in your life and show you that the lonely life you're living is exactly that, lonely and depressing and you should open yourself up and love someone and not manipulate anything about them, just let them in and let them rearrange everything.
 why are you with me. what draws you to me. what keeps you holding on. i want to understand your feelings.
 on this subject at least.
Athila says:
 That's not exactly how you envision it... My life has open connections with everyone, the only difference is that my bridges reach their bottom, theirs, just my surface.

Nothing is messy inside here, it's arranged how I like them to be, which, by coincidence, you think is messy, because you would never choose to arrange yours like mine.
Tiff says:
 didnt answer my question
Athila says:
 And I won't, until you finally find out for yourself.
Tiff says:
 idontlikethisgame
Athila says:
 I know... That's what I told you once, don't go too far, the road is trappy and dark
Tiff says:
 was that about the time i told you i dont care and ill let my emotions do whatever they want?
Athila says:
 Also...
Tiff says:
 would that be a yes
Athila says:
 Yes...
Tiff says:
 thank you.
 what was so hard about that? its a simple answer thats even one letter shorter than your initial answer.
 sry. my patience is lacking the longer im awake.
Athila says:
 It's not a problem, and I have an answer for this question if you want to know.
Tiff says:
 if i didnt want to know i wouldnt have asked
Athila says:
 Ok Tiff, I am logging off because I don't think we can get smart like this.
Tiff says:
 im saying i want to know, im not getting mad or anything o.0
 you're misinterpreting my type.
Athila says:
 Probably, we are talking about things I don't like, having to give explanations about things I hide in one of my worst days.
Tiff says:
 ok, i told you i wouldnt push, you were the one that said you would give me the answer if i wanted it and when i said i did you get all weird on me... sorry. i wont push it anymore
Athila says:
 Don't feel sorry...
 did you change anything on your profile ?
Tiff says:
 no?
Athila says:
 Ok.
Tiff says:
 my picture... why?
Athila says:
 I think it's a bug, I can't read your wall, but it will be ok soon
 can I call you for a moment?
Tiff says:
 yea

  Athila wants to start a Video Call with you.
Accept (Alt+C) Decline (Alt+D)

  You've accepted the invitation to start a Video Call.
End call (Alt+Q).

Athila says:
 my cam is dead
Tiff says:
 hmm y
Athila says:
 Just saw it... let me see what I can do

  Your Video Call has ended.

Tiff says:
 >.< awesome
Athila says:
 I was using the cam with you that day

  Athila wants to start a Video Call with you.
Accept (Alt+C) Decline (Alt+D)

  You've accepted the invitation to start a Video Call.
End call (Alt+Q).

  You stopped sharing photos

Athila says:
 look at the camera...
Tiff says:
 ? why
Athila says:
 I wanna see t
Tiff says:
 see me look at the cam?
Athila says:
 u looking at the camera
 yes
 look
Tiff says:
 ?
Athila says:
 nothing special...
 u can close it
 i dont know why mine is not working
Tiff says:
 i dont care if its on, i cant see it either way
 i cant see mine or yours.
 i have it hidden
Athila says:
 ok...

  Your Video Call has ended.

Tiff says:
 reinstall the drivers?
Athila says:
 I just think it presented this bug because I plugged another display in the notebook
 I will restart it and I will try to see if it works
Tiff says:
 its ok, you're probably busy at work. don't worry about it
 excuse the odd change of subject and info you live without but HOLY HELL my boobs hurt! and I have to be up in like 8 hours.
Athila says:
 Which info do I live without?
Why do you have to be up in 8 hours ?
Tiff says:
 the boobs hurting.
 and because i have to do a photoshoot of a 1 year old
 and then pack up my stuff and move from my room to a different one which will then be my room
Athila says:
 Ah ok...
 Good... very good...
Tiff says:
 which i prolly wont do until tuesday cuz i know laura is guna take forever to move her shit out
Athila says:
 yes...
 most probably
Tiff says:
 but hey, the plus side is that i wont have to deal with her every day!
 after tomorrow
Athila says:
 That's the best side I think
Tiff says:
 second best is i dont have to stay in my room all the time when she moves out
 third is i get a room with privacy! YAY!
Athila says:
 Don't you get privacy in this room ?
Tiff says:
 not if i take down my poster off the far wall
 its blocking a big window into my room
Athila says:
 ah... ok...
Tiff says:
 yep >.<
 hmm i wonder why you cant see my wall
Athila says:
 it should be o ksoon
Tiff says:
 uh i logged on to yours to see if i could see it and i can?
Athila says:
 let me see it
 now it's ok
Tiff says:
 fuck
 ive avoided laying down all day
 now i think i need to
Athila says:
 Yes...
Tiff says:
 after i locate my batteries and put them all on the charger for tomorrow
Athila says:
 hm... you could try to sleep to get ready for the photoshoot
Tiff says:
 sleep is for the weak
 lol
Athila says:
 am I ?
Tiff says:
 its a joke.
Athila says:
 I know
 All I wanna do
 now
 is going home...
Tiff says:
 all i wana do now is have sex and go to sleep
 O_O
Athila says:
 like sell
 shell
Tiff says:
 ?
Athila says:
 wrong window...  I am thinking something now...
 I've never made any mistake to send something I was supposed to send to you to somebody at work, the good side is that we talked about penis and other things more often then the same things I talk about at work
Tiff says:
 lol
Athila says:
 phew...
Tiff says:
 ahhhh laying down feel awesome
Athila says:
 Almost...
Tiff says:
 minus the part where i can feel all my sore muscles >.<
Athila says:
 not for that
Tiff says:
 whaa
Athila says:
 I said Almost awesome
 and it's not almost awesome because you are sore...
Tiff says:
 then y is it almost
Athila says:
 awesomeness when you lay under/over someone
Tiff says:
 someone?
Athila says:
 yes, "you" meaning the person and "someone" illustrating a general scenario.
Tiff says:
 or you being me and someone being you
Athila says:
 yes
 ahuahuahua
 exactly auhuaa
 actually
 I would love if it was...
Tiff says:
 me too
 sore muscles exhaustion and sex sounds absolutely amazing today
Athila says:
 uh stop, I am getting hard
Tiff says:
 k ill stop
Athila says:
 husahusahu
 not really
Tiff says:
 lol
Athila says:
 I don't have sore muscles...
Tiff says:
 i do
Athila says:
 I want to have you
Tiff says:
 this is the longest ive gone without being horny
Athila says:
 how much
Tiff says:
 4 days
 lol
Athila says:
 how long don't we see each other ? except me seeing yo now
Tiff says:
 uhh 2 days i think
Athila says:
 ok..
 but are you  horny ?
Tiff says:
 not really
Athila says:
 ok...
 Ok girl...
 I am logging off because the meeting should occur in another building...
Tiff says:
 ok. im going to sleep
 talk later?
Athila says:
 Sure...
Tiff says:
 i love you happy valentines day
Athila says:
 is it today ?
Tiff says:
 yep
Athila says:
 I don't believe it...

Tiff says:
 2.14
Athila says:
 Yes...
 I just collaborated with your dislike of it
Tiff says:
 lol
 i have my reasons.
 but anyways. i love you.
Athila says:
 Figured... Let me know what you want to know later...
Tiff says:
 nah. i would rather not.
Athila says:
 Why ?
Tiff says:
 read it wrong
 i would rather not say y i hate it
Athila says:
 I don't follow it
Tiff says:
 nvm
Athila says:
 tell me.
Tiff says:
 Figured... Let me know what you want to know later...

 read it as "figured... let me know if you want to later..."
Athila says:
 ah...
 ok...
 anyway, I meant, let me know what you want to know about me...
Tiff says:
 ill think about it and let you know
Athila says:
 ok...
 love u
Tiff says:
 love you too.
Athila says:
 I love you very much...
 I am leaving.
Tiff said (1:21 AM):

athila.mattos@gmail.com said (3:58 AM):
 Hi
 I am back
athila.mattos@gmail.com said (4:16 AM):
 I wanted to see you
athila.mattos@gmail.com said (4:20 AM):
 I hope you haven't understood me in a wrong way when I said that I felt like a leader... I am just a lonely person but it doesn't mean that I don't feel anything for anyone, I just don't show it most of time, but I feel for you, so I am sorry I am hard to deal with sometimes and I understand it.
athila.mattos@gmail.com said (4:21 AM):
 I love you I don't know if I will be able to log into msn tonight, I might be traveling, but I feel safe by knowing that you are still around...
 I love you