There are quite a few things on my mind for the last two weeks...
One being my tattoo. It is looking old and faded and as much as I would love to just sit in my bedroom and touch it up RIGHT NOW, I have to think about what it means to me.
Ce Que Si
What this meant in the beginning isn't the same as it means now. I will FOREVER wonder "what if" and unless I go out there and get the "what if" out of my system and live a little, it will remain the two most controlling words in the world to me.
I am going to touch on some things that will hurt the people involved if they read it... but I need to get it out, and you will see why. I also know that without me pointing and screaming in the direction of this blog, he wouldn't even know it exists... More than anything, and I wouldn't feel I got it out if I wrote it in letters or a simple word document. I want it out here so I won't be the only one evaluating it.
"What if" once meant to me "what if I had done things different, if he had done things different... where would we be now? together? the same place without the unending need for me to continue thinking on things that in reality never really were?" about another guy...
Now this means more of a futuristic thing rather than a past thing. I have found myself sitting in my room, in an apartment I don't deserve, I don't pay for. I allow myself to settle for less than what I'm worth. I don't care about the materialistic things. I care about where this relationship is headed after 5 years in it. I want to know why we are walking backwards. I want to know why I feel talked down to, why I feel "kept" and not loved. Why is it that I feel like I am just here because he might need a companion. Why is it that I feel tossed aside until further notice? When does it become about me and not about the video games? I asked myself a few years ago all of these questions and I sit here now and really I'm wondering "when is it going to be my turn". I am sitting here watching people that have been together for much less time than we have, and they are getting engaged, having babies, getting married... All the things couples in love do. Yet here I sit, 5 years in a relationship that I would have bet my life on the strength of, and I have no ring on my hand or any idea if I ever will. I sit here and wonder what is wrong with me that he doesn't want to have kids with me? Not just with me, I know. But he doesn't want that life... I am sitting here BEGGING for that life, and he is walking out of the room and saying "I don't really want to talk about this right now" and getting on Starcraft 2. I am having a very hard time living here with him, thinking I'm second best to video games. Like if I gave him the ultimatum "video games, or me." He would choose the games. Leaving his family in Washington and coming to be here with me was a great gesture and for his sake I'm glad he did it... but I'm wondering if it all ended there. If he resents me or simply doesn't want to know what life would be like without having me in the other room to call upon and talk to when he wants. That life would be hard for both of us considering the 5 years, however is it fair to hold on to me and leave me hanging here? I'm beginning to thing that this is it.
One things for sure... wait... not this time.
Half of you guys' romance (his half) is gone. The other half, (your half) is pissed off. I know from you venting to me that it's not just the romance that's gone. It seems like even your friendship between each other is tired. It's apparent he doesn't want change. Every time you try to leave him, you change your mind, so maybe you both don't. Well, 100% of him doesn't, and a teetering 50% of you doesn't. The other half of you wants nothing more than to try out a new what if. You see yourself running in circles. You have great goals in mind, an amazing life ahead plotted bit by bit, but you know it's not going to happen that way. You know that he is like a treadmill that you are walking on. While you should be moving forward with all your efforts, he keeps pulling you back with his lack-there-of.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how you can do that? Aren't you exhausted from his work-out? Wouldn't you rather be hiking where you actually reach a destination?
Don't I get too carried away with metaphors?
Anyway, I agree with your what ifs. He loves having you around, but does he love YOU? It's selfish of him to keep you around and not prove that to you ever. It's not fair for you to just have to agree to his every whim. What is his plan? To live like that forever?
Anyway, just wanna let you know I totally hear you and I totally get that.