Effortless

Me: are we going to be able to hang out at all?
AJ: tonight?
Me: no...
AJ: im confused?
Me: while you have a few days off
AJ: if we can find you a way over here
Me: so whats the plan if i come over
AJ: ?
AJ: what do you mean?
Me: what are we going to do
AJ: i dont know?
AJ: didnt think we needed a plan?
Me: its nice to have a plan so i dont end up sitting there bored out of my mind
AJ: it would be any different than sitting at your dads bored out of you mind?
AJ: its not like im inviting you over so i can sit and play video games the entire time your here?
Me: not what i said
Me: and i havent really been at my dads much
AJ: anyways no i dont have a plan
AJ: there isnt much to plan to do?
AJ: there are stores to walk around to and movies to watch i dont really have transportation
Me: do you wana just sit in the apartment all day or do you wana go walk around for a while?
AJ: idc what we do?
Me: alright.
AJ: so how was your night?
Me: hmm lol i left before i got wasted
Me: did i tell you about Barcode?
AJ: no
Me: did you ask?
AJ: no
AJ: you said it was a club i figured you drank and danced lol
Me: im not 21 how would i drink
AJ: true
AJ: are you mad at me or somthing? you seem angry =-/
Me: i danced... by myself mostly... but zaida got alot of old men all over her
Me: im not mad, im a little peeved
AJ: why?
Me: because you are putting no effort into courting me at all and i kinda was expecting you to try
AJ: courting?
Me: -.- dating... flirting...
AJ: i havent even seen you
AJ: idk what you expect from me? you want to take the bus and go see a movie? that doesnt seem that romantic
Me: and that never stopped you before
AJ: and why is it all on me anyways. i was the one with the idea to hang out it seem like you dont care wether we do or not
Me: am i supposed to? it sucks not getting the attention you want
AJ: no but im giving you attention and your "peeved" that its not good enough?
AJ: this is what i mean why would i want to when its still never good enough for you?
AJ: ok im not trying to argue. ill just ttyl
Me: you think this is giving me attention? you said you couldnt get me a ride there but when i called andrew was there and wide awake, so i dont see that being much of an effort at getting me there.
AJ: ok and i asked andrew the moment he walked in the door and he told me he had been awake for the last 20 hours and didnt feel that he couldn safely drive
AJ: so i went to sleep
AJ: so dont act like i didnt try
AJ: im just gonna go. im not gonna argue with you.
Me: super. goodnight.





How convenient, you have had a bad week, I've been gone from there for a week. I've had a pretty awesome last few days. Courting me doesn't mean 'why is this all on me anyways?' Really wana know why? Because you don't need me in your every day to be happy, remember saying that? remember saying some things with me are like a chore? what about me being lazy and not wanting to do anything? This isn't going to resolve itself... if its going to get resolved at all that is. I've been asking myself why its always been on me, sucks not getting the attention you want, doesn't it? After getting the attention I've been getting, why would I want to go back to being a hermit who feels like garbage? When you feel like shit, you start looking like shit too, I'm tired of not smiling and laughing. Tired of not being the center of attention to someone. I want more for my life. I want to be swept off my feet, what you did was more like a grabbed my hand and sprinted, then went for a slow jog... then started walking, then started sitting down. I want to sprint. If you aren't going to come with me then I'll leave you in the dust. I don't know what else to say, I've given you opportunity to hang out with me, I've given you attention even though you haven't tried to actually talk to me. I IM you, not the other way around. I call you, not the other way around. I'm tired of this life, I want to be the one thats being chased for once, not the one doing the chasing.

One things for sure... Once you get a taste of the real thing, you don't want to go back to having nothing at all.


Hold on, thats not it...


AJ (9/27/2010 12:48:38 PM): if you could manage to get a ride im like 90% sure i could get you home tonight and that would be cool. otherwise we wait to see what happens with andrew =-/
Me (9/27/2010 12:49:24 PM): everyone is working
AJ (9/27/2010 12:49:31 PM): ahh ok
AJ (9/27/2010 12:49:39 PM): well ill try to call him later
AJ (9/27/2010 12:49:43 PM): otherwise idk
Me (9/27/2010 12:49:52 PM): ok. otherwise im going to be staying home
AJ (9/27/2010 12:49:56 PM): =-/
AJ (9/27/2010 12:50:03 PM): im sorry
AJ (9/27/2010 12:50:17 PM): didnt expect him to be out all night helping his parents move
Me (9/27/2010 12:50:51 PM): im not worried about
Me (9/27/2010 12:50:52 PM): it
AJ (9/27/2010 12:51:03 PM): i am. i havent really seen you
Me (9/27/2010 12:51:18 PM): ah its only been a week
AJ (9/27/2010 12:51:42 PM): i week is a long time when its been almost three seeing you every day
AJ (9/27/2010 12:51:55 PM): a*
Me (9/27/2010 12:52:01 PM): its been refreshing
AJ (9/27/2010 12:52:09 PM): ...
Me (9/27/2010 12:52:15 PM): it has...
Me (9/27/2010 12:52:55 PM): as much as i love you and being around you, this time apart has been really good so far
Me (9/27/2010 12:53:42 PM): making new friends, hanging out with old ones, doing whatever i want whenever i want to...
AJ (9/27/2010 12:54:17 PM): you make it sound like i force you to not do those things you could have done that stuff here
Me (9/27/2010 12:54:50 PM): meh i dont think i would have though
Me (9/27/2010 12:56:29 PM): ive been getting dressed every day and going out. never felt better, i get compliments all the time. i havent been feeling like a fat useless ugly unwanted bitch and more like gorgeous and flattered.
Me (9/27/2010 12:57:03 PM): i mean for once in my life, zaida was jealous of me.
AJ (9/27/2010 12:57:28 PM): i dont mean anything mean by this. but do you really think your friends will keep this up though?
Me (9/27/2010 12:57:52 PM): not at this pace but yea i think they will
AJ (9/27/2010 12:58:41 PM): well the reason i say that is cuz when we first started fighting all of my friends were there to hold my hand but it only lasts so long and they go back to the norm. and then i dont see them as much anymore
Me (9/27/2010 12:59:09 PM): when i get a job im going dancing at least once a month
AJ (9/27/2010 12:59:14 PM): i mean not to demean them but yea im sure you see my point
Me (9/27/2010 12:59:33 PM): but the thing is, we dont even talk about it
AJ (9/27/2010 12:59:41 PM): talk about what?
Me (9/27/2010 12:59:43 PM): you
AJ (9/27/2010 12:59:52 PM): and my friends didnt really either
AJ (9/27/2010 1:00:05 PM): they acknowledge it and realize its not something i wanna talk about
Me (9/27/2010 1:00:26 PM): well this is the first time that we have all hung out and not discussed it like there was something wrong
Me (9/27/2010 1:00:32 PM): we've just been out doing whatever
Me (9/27/2010 1:01:11 PM): just having fun and acting our age instead of adding 40 years like we've been doing
AJ (9/27/2010 1:02:07 PM): im just saying. if they keep it up thats cool for you, and awesome for me cuz i dont have to feel so, smothered all the time? lol. but just dont be surprised if some of them are only around so much right now cuz you need them?
Me (9/27/2010 1:02:36 PM): you are such a buzz kill
AJ (9/27/2010 1:02:37 PM): idk i feel like im attacking you but im not trying to be that way
AJ (9/27/2010 1:02:45 PM): sorry =-/
Me (9/27/2010 1:02:49 PM): well thats because you are
AJ (9/27/2010 1:03:21 PM): sorry, ill drop it
AJ (9/27/2010 1:03:28 PM): your dad is working today too?
Me (9/27/2010 1:03:28 PM): you are saying all of this and all its going to do [and you know it] is make it to where when im hanging out with them i dont have as much fun because ill be thinking about how its going to be over soon
Me (9/27/2010 1:03:38 PM): yea
AJ (9/27/2010 1:04:02 PM): i wasnt trying to do that but ok. sorry ill stop talking about =-/
AJ (9/27/2010 1:04:10 PM): is he doing the construction thing?
AJ (9/27/2010 1:05:03 PM): ?
Me (9/27/2010 1:05:31 PM): i dont know
Me (9/27/2010 1:05:34 PM): i assume so.
Me (9/27/2010 1:05:41 PM): considering thats all he knows how to do.
AJ (9/27/2010 1:05:53 PM): did dan ever enroll in school?
Me (9/27/2010 1:05:58 PM): yea
Me (9/27/2010 1:06:16 PM): hes been in school since the summer ended
AJ (9/27/2010 1:06:26 PM): which one?
Me (9/27/2010 1:06:32 PM): seirra
AJ (9/27/2010 1:06:47 PM): what did he decide to major in?
Me (9/27/2010 1:07:02 PM): you dont have to decide til your junior yea
Me (9/27/2010 1:07:02 PM): r
AJ (9/27/2010 1:07:06 PM): oh
AJ (9/27/2010 1:07:14 PM): he is doing general ed right now?
Me (9/27/2010 1:07:16 PM): yea
AJ (9/27/2010 1:07:19 PM): ahh
........

AJ (9/27/2010 1:24:53 PM): im gonna go sleep now
Me (9/27/2010 1:25:12 PM): ok
Me (9/27/2010 1:25:21 PM): ill talk to you later
AJ (9/27/2010 1:25:27 PM): ilu2...
Me (9/27/2010 1:25:39 PM): ilu
AJ (9/27/2010 1:25:51 PM): why dont you say it first ever?
AJ (9/27/2010 1:26:00 PM): i feel like im forcing it out of you?
Me (9/27/2010 1:26:34 PM): you arent, idk.
AJ (9/27/2010 1:26:41 PM): ok
AJ (9/27/2010 1:29:25 PM): ok ilu ill ttyl
Me (9/27/2010 1:29:31 PM): k ilu2 bye





In the off chance that you actually sat through and read all that, you'll see exactly why I can't bring myself to go back. Not yet, maybe not ever...

I keep imagining a little kid bouncing a ball. Bouncing it by herself, and then a boy shows up and shes bouncing it to him, he's bouncing it back. over and over. Then he stops catching the ball and just stands there with his back to her. She runs over, gets the ball, and then tries again and again to get the boy to catch the god damn ball. He keeps ignoring her. Shes looking around to find someone else to bounce the ball to... She is done being the only one playing, done being ignored.