Water works

The last few days I find myself in tears around 1AM
Sometimes I know why, sometimes I don't... its after everyone goes to sleep and the house gets silent and the only sound is the fan in the front room... I laid in my bed last night at around midnight and went to sleep because I didn't want it to be another night to cry. I'm in so deep... and by the way I'm not upset with him, I just complain A LOT because its all I know how to do... its all I did for so many years... I know I need to break the habit...

Reason 1 : I miss having someone to cuddle up to in the middle of the night... not necessarily the person that was there all the time, just a person being there.
Reason 2 : I miss AJ. Not in the "I love you, please say your sorry so I can come home." sense... not at all... I mean he was my best friend for 5 years... I told him more than I've told anyone in my life, he knows me inside and out... and I kinda hate not having him there to share things I get excited about... hate not having him there to yell at and argue with and show stupid things I find online... to share the holidays with even though he hated spending time with my family...
Reason 3 : The person I want to be holding me has been so busy this last week with work and finishing up school that sometimes it feels like he forgot about me... but when I actually start feeling horrible about not hearing from him he finds a way to tell me he loves me. (Yes, my boyfriend is awesome!)
Reason 4 : I wanted sooo bad to help out with P4A this year but didn't get to spend more than 2 hours on it like I did last year...
Reason 5 : My best friend, Zaida... yea she sucks at life. She told me that she left her boyfriend, got with another guy, moved out of the apartment and in with her dad, and when I met said other guy I asked him to please push her to come around more because she doesn't even live 30min away and I fucking see her once every two months or so... I hate it.
Reason 6 : I'm starting to remember that feeling... that one I had when AJ lived in WA and I lived here in CA... that one where you want more than anything in life to just pack up and leave and be with the one you love and give the finger to everyone else in your life...
Reason 7 : I've been finding myself having to defend my relationship... I mean I know its illogical for me to say "yes, I would marry him." when I haven't even spent 5 minutes in a room with him... but I would. I want him to come here and sweep me off my feet... and not really in the literal sense... but more in the sense that we already discussed. I want him to get here and say absolutely nothing to me and pull me close to him and just kiss me. You can tell a lot about a person and a relationship just by the kiss.

If that person has been longing to kiss you, you should be able to feel it in the kiss, the tension in the lips, the 'I-need-more' in the eagerness. If that person is kissing you because it seems like an obligation to them, you can feel the annoyance, the quick 'ugh-get-away-from-me' and the major pull back, the stiff hold of their shoulders and the tightening up of their abdomen... If that person wants to *wink wink* you can feel it in their relaxed lips, the tenderness and playfulness of their body language. For a man its the leaning in and showing dominance, for the woman its the pushing forward of the chest and leaning away and the shoulders go back a little and the chin comes up and the neck manages to end up exposed... Its all about body language.

ok my mind just wandered around while I was trying to write this out and so I'm going to stop now and pick up on it later