That was then

Ok... I've been thinking about AJ for the last few hours.
Thinking about the few good times that we had... and thinking about how he said I'll never find someone to put up with my bullshit...

Not only have I found some ONE but I've found people that love me and would love a chance to be with me... and I love that. I love knowing that I'll never truly be alone, that no matter how bad it felt to be told that, he was wrong and it was just a projection of what he thought about himself.

would you sit there and chew on this conversation without wanting to get up and walk out the door and never come back?

"we need to talk about us... where are we going? what are we doing?"
"what do you mean?"
"I dont know, I just feel like I'm more of a companion, a sound board for you because you don't want to know what life is like without someone there all the time..."
"you think I want this? Look... my life could be simple... I could get up, go to work, come home, play my games, go to sleep and start it all over again."
"where do I fit in in any of that?"
"what do you mean? I don't need you in my every day to be happy."
"you don't say that to someone you claim to be in love with..."
"I am in love with you..."
"no, you're not..."
"whatever."
"I'm going to leave for a few days..."
"going to your dads?"
"yea"
"ok... how long?"
"a few days."
"alright."



He let me go. He let me get up and walk out the door with my clothes in my backpack and my pillows clutched to my chest and my sweater on and it was raining outside... he didn't even try to stop me, didn't chase after me. At that moment, I knew I couldn't walk back in and say I'm sorry... I'm always sorry, but this time I felt like I would be saying "I'm sorry you don't love me, I'm sorry I'm not what you want and I'll stay here and continue to be what you don't love and what you don't want until you decide that I AM what you love, I am what you want... I'm sorry, please love me. Please lie to me and pretend that you love me for just a little bit longer..."

woo for writing this days ago and then I saw him and shit made me angry again. woo