Restart

Listening to this

Thinking maybe its time to give up on my sister. She had me expecting the worst and hoping for the best... I'm drained. I don't know what to say but I know I should say what I think here because this is where it belongs... this is the only place I can say anything and know that it finally left me and won't eat away at me anymore...


Discarding this memory::

The door shuts and we're sitting in the living room... Bradyn starts crying and my mom makes him a bottle... Brittinnie is sitting to my left on the couch and I'm sitting on the floor holding the baby and feeding him. It's been eating away at me that Shelby would hug everyone else but me... Like he hated me...
"I love how that works... he wouldn't even look at me..." I said to my mom.
"Tiff, maybe he's hurting just like you..."
"But why would he be mad at me? I wasn't the one who gave him away. I wanted to keep him. He should be mad at you. I'm mad at you."
"Really Tiff? Really? He wasn't ours to keep..."
"You said! After six months we would file abandonment charges and keep him! She came back and ASKED YOU if she could have him back... you just packed his shit up and gave him right to her!"
"We had him for eight months..."
"I know mom! I said after six he could have been ours! Mine!"
"Hmm..." was all I got out of her that time... She started packing things up to go home. When everything was packed away she reached down and took my brother from my arms and put him in his car seat. He started crying and all I could think was great... now you're going to take HIM away from me too? without a word? thats it?

I could picture everything about the night she handed Shelby over to his mom... He was wearing a mossy blue-green  pair of pajamas, the kind you zip up in the front... It didn't have footies so he had little white socks on... His hair was long and blonde and curly. I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he had peanut butter on his cheeks... I put him down on my bed and he started playing with the blue/green/brown blanket Betty crocheted me for my birthday... We both got under the blanket and started playing peek-a-boo and he was smiling so big and laughing so hard... I didn't want to leave the room to get something to wipe his face off. His mom was sitting in the living room and she wanted to take him from me. She wanted to take MY son from me. I could tell that she was pregnant again. I tried to tell my mom that she was but my mom didn't believe me. We sat in bed and played until he fell asleep in my arms... where he belonged.

My mom closed the front door behind her. Tears were streaming down my face and I was trying so hard to hold them back... Its almost been two years, I should be able to deal with this! I sat on the floor and told my dad what just happened between me and my mom. Sometime between my mom taking my brother and my mom leaving, my sister got up and moved. She sat on the couch to my right...

"I just don't think its fair!" I growled through the tears.
"Thats what family is for though sis... you knew that you were going to have to give him back..."
"Yea Tiff. Thats what families are for... backstabbing... lying..." Brittinnie chimed in.
I was already crying and when she said that all I could think about was connecting my fist to her fucking face. "You know what Brittinnie. You're fucked up. Grow the fuck up, not everything is about your drug induced drama." I spat out as I got off the floor. The dining room was the closest other room and I needed to get away from her. I stood in the dining room and just started crying, hard. Laura jumped up from her chair at the table and wrapped her arms around me... I was actually a little surprised that I could easily rest my elbows on her shoulders... (Yes I actually thought about that while in a situation like this...) I couldn't stand being in the same house as Brittinnie so I walked out the front door. It's the end of November so of course it was freezing cold outside... I didn't think about that when I left the house, so I was sweater-less. I couldn't stop walking. I let the tears dry up and just focused on moving. I must have been walking really fast because by the time I looked around I was already over half way around the block. It was dark outside and the only lights were provided by lamp posts. The orange and blue glows illuminated everything around me just enough for me to see that no one was around. Everything was so clear, the sky was pitch black, the lights reflected off windshields all around. Everything was magic, crisp and clean and fresh. I inhaled the freezing air, pulled my pants up higher on my waste and started running. As I turned the corner and got closer to the house I saw someone. Laura came out to look for me... I kept running.
"If I come near you will you be mad at me?" she asked.
I kept running and shook my head no... I could feel my lungs burning and my arms were going numb from the cold.
"I can't keep up with you if you keep running..."
I slowed down to a fast walk...
"I told her she needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut... Not everything is about her." She was keeping up with me and I could tell that I was almost running again, so I slowed my pace.
A familiar black truck turned the corner and my dad rolled down the window...
"Have you seen Britt?"
"Nope."
"Fuck... she left... we can't find her anywhere..."
"Not my problem." and I kept walking toward the house...




Thoughts::

While growing up I always thought I would be just like my mom and my sister would be just like my dad... I guess in a way she is both of them... She has my moms attitude and my dads addiction. Despite what my mom wants to say, she also has my moms mental disorder (but Britt's is much more intense). My mom never will admit to being a bit bipolar but when you are there, you'd deny it too. Everything seems like it has a reason and you react accordingly... that doesn't make it right though... Now here we are... Brittinnie, eighteen... and I'm twenty... My sister is strung out on drugs, stealing from family, lying to our faces, and she thinks she is so alone in the world, yet the world needs to revolve around her. I'm just sitting at home trying to let go of everything. I try to relax and not let things get to me, try to not let the overly intense people stress me out and into an anxiety attack or worse, a panic attack. The pills work every time, I just don't think I should have to take them, I think I should be able to control how I'm feeling, not a pill. So here I am, dealing with it. Then this shit happens today...

Discarding this memory::

My dad came in my room and woke me up...
"Britt broke in to your moms house last night and stole your grandpa's pistol."
"Wha? Ok... do we go look for her?"
"I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid..."
Ugh, ok so we get up and go looking for her while the ideas race through my mind about Taylor and Eric (both kids we went to school with that shot themselves)... After about an hour of driving around and going to all of her known hang out spots we find her at the first place we looked, her boyfriend house... Fabulous. Now we have mom with us, who is far too intense and won't stop screaming and barking orders from the back seat...
"Jesus fucking christ mom, stop yelling!"
"I'm not fucking yelling I'm just trying to tell him where to go!" she barked.
"You've told him seven times, he isn't retarded..."
"You know what Tiffinnie, shut the fuck up."
"Take your own advice."
"What the fuck ever..." then we spotted them outside... "There they fucking are..."
We pulled up and my mom jumped out of the car...
"I know you fucking stole my dads fucking gun Brittinnie. Give me the fucking gun. I've already called the cops and gave them both of your fucking names! I gave them the gun information too! If you have that gun you better hope to God they don't find it!"
My sister denied having the gun and we got in the car to leave. My mom continued to threaten and scream the whole way back to her house...






Discarding those memories I think I need to go back to sleep considering my number of hours of sleep... Not even six. I'm headed back to sleep for a few more hours. Restarting the day.

One thing's for sure... if I could re-roll and end up with a new mom and sister right now, I would...