Not normal.

This may be the blog I post on the most, but this is one of three I have... I post things like this on my other one... actually... this is a combo of what I post on the other one and what I post on here... should I just switch to keeping it all here? or should I keep the pretty things and the reality separate?

I'd like to take a minute and look at the pictures I've posted... every girl is thin. Every one of them. I'm not thin... I'm not tiny. I'm not small. I'm not the ideal build for a woman. I have the basic things, but I lack ONE thing, one thing that I am slowly learning to be ok with. These girls have no fat, no fluff, nothing to hold on to, nothing to literally shape them into the person they should be. They diet and exercise and worry about what other people think when really the person they should be worried about thinking that they are ugly is THEMSELVES! I'm big, but I was born this way. I was small at one point, and I was still unhappy with that. I am the one living in this skin, so therefore I see the flaws before you do. I dont get jealous when I see the girls that wear bikinis, I get jealous when I see the guys around me drool over them. If I were to wear a bikini, someone would hand me a shirt to put over it. What if I don't want to cover myself? What if I think I'm just as beautiful, if not MORE beautiful then the females you're looking at will ever be? Is that ok? Would you tell me I look better than they do and be telling the truth? Or will you always want what the media has spoon fed you to believe is perfect or idealistic? Will I be enough for you? Do you realize that we have more pressure to be Barbie or Betty Paige than you have to be Edward Cullen or Johnny Depp? I'm a big girl because I was meant to be. I exercised and was healthy and fit, I was still big. This is who I am, fuck you if you can't accept it. I'm tired of living life like this, I'm not ever going to have a body like Heidi Klum, I'll never have skin like Capri Anderson, I'll never have hair like Scarlett Johannson. Then again if I accept who I am now, I'll never have an eating disorder like Portia de Rossi, a drug addiction and self esteem issues like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. I'm tired of living my life worried about what I look like because its not every one's idea of perfect or beautiful. Fuck you, I know how to air brush just as well as the picture editors for the magazines you read, I can air brush my pictures just as good as the pictures you drool over and idolize... But I won't. I'm flawed and I accept it, thats what makes me better than them.

I once settled for less than my worth because he didn't look at the other girls. He forgot to tell me I was beautiful, but he never told me I was ugly. He embraced my curves, my stretch marks, my strange fat distribution, my scars and horrible tattoos. I'll give him this... I appreciated feeling no pressure to be more than what I was by nature, but at the same time I can't help but wonder, am I like this now because he had no expectations of me? I let myself go because he didn't mind. I really wish he would have just asked me to stay exactly the way I was... I would be able to accept myself better if I was convinced that I was exactly what you wanted and not 'you will be exactly what I need no matter what'. Hind sight is a bitch.

Are you a virgin? If not, what age did you lose your virginity?

i'm not a virgin; and i lost it at 16.

List everyone you've had sex with:

AJ

Out of those, who have you had sex with the most?

Well considering there has only been one...

Who was the best at it?

sadly... technically i should put AJ considering him being the only one, however if we're being honest... not him.

How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period?

oh god that sounds gross.

At a place with thin walls and squeaky bed, are you still able to have sex?

been there.

How about at your parents' house when they are home?

done that.

What would you do if the man has a problem with premature ejaculation?

been there done that and I have to say, if you can't control yourself then please be willing to compensate.

Do you have a preference between sex in the morning and sex at night?

night, but i don't mind it in the morning.

How do you decide which position to use whenever you have sex?

ugh I hated being asked that, just throw me around and where ever we land we land...

Are there times you just want a quickie? When are those?

hmm no.

Do you like to talk dirty during sex? What about when they talk dirty back?

well lets see... i think it would be so strange

Are there any dirty terms you find offensive?

kinda don't like the word cunt...

Do you have any sexual fetishes? What about fantasies?

uhh no, and yes... tons of fantasies, no fetishes though...

Do you like to cuddle after sex? How long?

yes, after cleaning myself off I could lay there forever

Does a person's sexual past matter if you really love them?

hmm it doesn't if you love them.

How often do you like to have sex?

I would like to have sex A LOT, however I won't have sex with someone I'm not in love with, therefore I don't have it very often...

What turns you off sexually? Why?

hands off sex is fucking annoying. I'm here, I want you to touch me, I don't care how...

What sort of sexual things do you discuss with your friends?

lets see... what haven't I discussed...

Do you know what the last person you kissed is doing?

Probably sleeping at home... note to self, don't kiss the kids.

Sex in the past 24 hours?

haha no.

I bet your going to kiss someone tonight, right?

no

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

yea a few people...

1. You are female.

2. You are in high school.

3. You dropped out of high school.

4. You graduated within the last 5 years.

5. You live on your own.

6. You live within 20 minutes of your best friend.

7. You live within 20 minutes of the last person you kissed.

8. You live within 20 minutes of your ex.

9. You have hugged someone in the last 48 hours.

10. You have been to the movies within the last week.

11. You have had 3 or more boyfriends/girlfriends just this year.

12. You have been a designated driver.

13. You have broken merchandise and not paid for it.

14. You have played strip poker.

15. You are Catholic.

16. You are atheist.

17. You recycle regularly.

18. You are a brunette.

19. You have dated a blonde.

20. You are friends with a redhead.

21. You are taller than your mom.

22. You have a checking account.

23. You've written a check for less than $5.

24. You have visited the Statue of Liberty.

25. You have visited the Eiffel Tower.

26. You have visited Big Ben.

27. You have visited the Colosseum.

28. You have visited The Great Wall of China.

29. You have never been out of the country.

30. You have been a waiter/waitress.

31. You own a Bible.

32. You own something with a Pentagram on it.

33. You have used a Ouija Board.

34. You have been a witch for Halloween.

35. You have been a zombie for Halloween.

36. You have been a Disney character for Halloween.

37. You don't celebrate Halloween.

38. You have your belly button pierced.

39. You have your tongue pierced.

40. You have your eyebrow pierced.

41. You have a Monroe piercing.

42. You have your nose pierced.

43. You have an ankle tattoo.

44. You have a wrist tattoo.

45. You have a back tattoo.

46. You have no tattoos.

47. You have more than 5 tattoos.

48. You straighten your hair.

49. You have worn a dress in the last 3 days.

50. You live somewhere that gets snow.

51. You celebrate Hanukkah.

52. You were at your own house last New Year's.

53. You were at a bar last New Year's.

54. You slept through last New Year's.

55. You have worked on Christmas Eve.

56. You have worked on Christmas.

57. You have been told "I love you" by someone today.

58. You were told by someone who's not family.

59. You slept in your own bed last night.

60. You are dating the last person you kissed.

61. You enjoyed your last kiss.

62. You are wearing a necklace right now.

63. You are wearing something red.

64. You are wearing something blue.

65. You are wearing something purple.

66. Your phone is fully charged.

67. Your phone number ends with an even number.

68. You have kissed the last person you called/texted.

69. You last called/texted a boy.

70. You are currently listening to music.

71. You are waiting for something.

72. You don't like seafood.

73. You have eaten deer sausage.

74. You have given a complete stranger your phone number.

75. You have been hit on at work.

76. You have been hit on by someone more than 20 years older than you.

77. You have been whistled at.

78. You were creeped out by it.

79. You are a good speller.

80. You are very punctual.

81. You were dating someone in December of 2008.

82. You are still dating that person.

83. You have cheated on someone.

84. You have been cheated on.

85. You have been on a cruise ship.

86. You have camped out in your own backyard.

87. You are wearing something that doesn't belong to you.

88. You are a Pisces.

89. You are a Leo.

90. You are a Capricorn.

91. You have Irish heritage.

92. You have Polish heritage.

93. You have Japanese heritage.

94. You have Israeli heritage.

95. You have German heritage.

96. You have Portuguese heritage.

97. You have French heritage.

98. You have Norwegian heritage.

99. You have Korean heritage.

100. You were born in May.

101. You were born in June.

102. You were born in October.

103. You wonder what will happen when you die.

104. You are afraid of the dark.

105. You write in all capital letters.

106. You have been told you have nice handwriting.

107. You have had a song written for you.

108. You have had a picture drawn of you.

109. You have curly hair.

110. Your phone provider is Sprint.

111. Your phone provider is AT&T.

112. Your phone provider is Verizon.

113. You live within an hour of your birthplace.

114. You are wearing a watch.

115. You are wearing flip flops.

116. You wouldn't date someone who smoked.

117. You know someone with the same birthday as you.

118. You are a morning person.

119. You are a night owl.

120. You slept in past 10am today.

121. You have big plans for next weekend.

122. You are thinking of someone right now.

123. Your job is stressing you out.

124. You don't have a job.

125. You have never had a job.

126. You were fired from your last job.

127. You know sign language.

128. You made your bed today.

129. You will usually try something at least once.

130. You have been swimming in the last month.

131. You are pessimistic by nature.

132. You have taken a ballet class.

133. You have taken karate.

134. You have taken gymnastics.

135. You wish on shooting stars.

136. You wish at 11:11.

137. Your birthday has already come this year.

138. You have been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year.

139. You ended your last relationship.

140. Your ex ended your last relationship.

141. You are over your ex.

142. You have gone after someone you knew was bad for you.

143. You have let someone use you.

144. You have been in a physically abusive relationship.

145. You are engaged.

146. You are married.

147. You are divorced.

148. You have a child.

149. You were/are a teenage mom.

150. You were named after someone.

151. You like your name.

152. Your last drink was water.

153. You have visited somewhere said to be "haunted."

154. You have skipped school just because you didn't feel like going.

155. You have taken medicine when you "felt a headache coming on."

156. You are self-conscious about your body.

157. You have a hangover.

158. You have had a Jehovah's Witness show up at your house.

159. You have pet fish.

160. You live on a farm.

161. You live in a trailer.

162. You live in Montana.

163. You live in South Carolina.

164. You live in Illinois.

165. You live in Maryland.

166. You live in New Mexico.

167. You have godparents.

168. Your parents are still married.

169. You have step-siblings.

170. You are the oldest.

171. You are adopted.

172. You have a twin.

173. You don't want kids.

174. You want more than 4 kids.

175. You have a bad temper.

176. You have made out with a complete stranger.

177. You usually make the first move in an intimate situation.

178. You regret losing your virginity.

179. You lost your virginity to someone the same age as you.

180. You lost your virginity to someone you were dating.

181. You lost your virginity before you were sixteen.

182. You have worked with a Kayla.

183. You have gone to the movies with a Jared.

184. You have hugged a Lexie.

185. You have held hands with a Marcus.

186. You have dated a Rachel.

187. You have kissed a David.

188. You have ridden in a car with a Nicole.

189. You have had class with a Patrick.

190. You have gone out to eat with a Chloe.

191. You know a Kyle in the military.

192. You are related to a Julie.

193. You have gotten drunk with a Brent.

194. You have broken your arm.

195. You have had to get stitches on your face.

196. You have had an MRI.

197. Your fingernails are painted.

198. Your fingernails are painted black.

199. You like to read.

200. You like to cook.

201. You like to draw.

202. You can play an instrument.

203. You keep a lot of secrets from people.

204. You don't think people would accept you if they really got to know you.

205. You don't trust people easily.

206. You borrowed something you really need to give back to someone.

207. You drive a car older than a 2002.

208. You have lost a friend you never thought you would.

209. You know a child who died of cancer.

210. You know a teenager who died in a car wreck.

211. You have done something illegal in the past 24 hours.

212. You have cut your hair in the last week.

213. You wear glasses.

214. You have been pulled over for speeding.

215. You love to drive with the windows down.

216. Your favorite season is Autumn.

217. Your favorite color is orange.

218. Your favorite animal is a dolphin.

219. You last rode in a car with a relative.

220. You last rode in a car with a girl.

221. You last rode in a car with the person you are dating.

222. You regularly watch soap operas.

223. You love Italian food.

224. You love Mexican food.

225. You love Chinese food.

226. You can see a box of tissues from where you are.

227. You can see your reflection in a mirror.

228. You can see what's on TV from where you are.

229. Your best friend is older than you.

230. You have to go to school/work tomorrow.

231. You answered every question truthfully.

I really hate it when people are constantly criticising everyone else. 

I can’t travel on winding roads without getting sick.

When I go on vacation, I always take my laptop with me.

It’s really bad, but I feel totally lost without my computer.

It’s even worse when I’m somewhere without internet access.

I’ve taken surveys when I’ve not been connected to the internet before.

It really pisses me off when video sites take absolutely forever to load.

I’ve paid money to use a public wireless hotspot before.

I picked my current phone because it had a Facebook application on it.

My mum can be a really critical person, but she can’t take it back.

I love it when I see people who have the confidence to wear really outrageous outfits.

I currently have a really bad headache.

I’m taking this survey in order to kill time.

I’m currently not connected to the internet.

I’ll be on a plane sometime within the next 24 hours.

I really can’t stand drinking water that’s at room temperature. It has to be ice cold.

I’m lactose intolerant.

I absolutely love chocolate soy milk.

One of my best friends lives right by the ocean.

I’ve been swimming in a mountain lake/river before.

I hate swimming in salt water, just because I can’t go underwater.

I’ve recently made plans to see my boyfriend.

I avoid wearing socks as much as I possibly can. I hate having things on my feet.

I’m on some form of birth control.

People have told me that I should probably go to therapy.

I can’t stand the smell of food after it’s been in a backpack.

I hate it when it’s cool but humid outside, as I can never get my outfit right.

I’m currently listening to music through my iPod, and not through my computer.

I’ve filled out surveys while travelling before.

I hate it when you know you need a good night’s sleep, and it just doesn’t happen.

It seems that I’m always shattered when my alarm goes off at seven, but I feel fine if I wake up at that time naturally.

If I get woken up unnaturally, I always get a headache of some sort.

I go running, but I hate entering races. I just like to do that kind of thing for fun.

I’ve made a friend on holiday, and kept that friendship going for several years after.

I still have penpals, and I absolutely love it.

It seems that I always need to go to the toilet when I’m nowhere near a toilet.

I have a really bad craving for a McDonalds burger right about now.

I can’t stand having to wait around for hours at airports with nothing to do.

I’ve had food poisoning so badly that I was sick for 48 hours before.

When I first started my period, I used to be physically sick every single month.

My laptop is currently running on battery only.

The battery life of my laptop is around four hours if I put it on "saver" mode.

I’m currently in a country where the primary language is not English.

Someone asked me to text them today.

That someone was my boyfriend.

Someone recently told me that they’d bought me a gift of some sort.

I absolutely love to hold hands in public.

I’ve been to the movies three times in the last month.

I didn’t see New Moon in the theatres.

I’ve seen several shows on Broadway.

I wish I had the ability to read and understand every language in the world.

But one of my favourite things about going to a foreign country is not being able to understand anything.

I’ve read several books by Bill Bryson before.

I’ve chosen to read Shakespeare for fun, not because it was required for class.

I’m currently wearing a hoody.

I like bolding surveys with interesting statements, not ones like "I’m a girl" or "I have brown hair".

I won’t take a survey if it has too many spelling or grammar mistakes.

I was never guilty of typing "lYk dIs".

I can see both of my parents from where I’m sitting.

The song I’m listening to was released over five years ago.

I prefer having my laptop on my lap than on a desk in front of me.

I paid for my laptop myself, with no help from my parents.

My dad doesn’t speak to his parents.

I’m actually really excited for classes to start again.

Since The Beginning of This Year

1. Have you had a girlfriend/boyfriend?

2. Have you had your birthday?

3. Gotten drunk?

4. Gotten high?

5. Smoked a cigarette?

6. Cried?

7. Had someone close to you pass away?

8. Pulled an all nighter?

9. Drank starbucks?

10. Went shopping?

11. Been camping?

12. Been to the beach?

13. Met someone new?

14. Been out of state?

15. Visited a family member?

16. Gone snowboarding?

In The Past Month

1. Have you had sex?

2. Kissed someone?

3. Slept in a friends bed?

4. Snuck someone over?

5. Snuck out of your own house?

6. Been drunk?

7. Lied?

8. Gotten a car?

9. Went over your cell phone bill?

10. Been called a whore?

11. Drove somewhere?

12. Been away from home for over 2 nights?

13. Seen an old friend?

In The Past Week

1. Bought something?

2. Choked?

3. Watched t.v for over 3 hours straight?

4. Been to the movie theatre?

5. Been to a party?

6. Gone skydiving?

7. Been to the beach?

8. Smoked?

9. Done drugs?

10. Gotten a gift from someone?

11. Been out of control?

12. Made a cd?

13. Called someone?