Lack there of.

Ok so lets get a little personal here and talk about friendship.

Or in my case, lack there of.
I have a few friends that I hung out with in highschool... First it was the kids that did drugs and drank and had sex with everyone in sight... which I never took part in, just laughed while they fucked up their lives and others. (That was my freshman year mostly.)
The there was the group that kinda sat back and laughed at the stupidity of those people, so I figured that I fit in with them better, and changed my scene. Turned out to be just as much drama, just not as complicated. This lead into my Sophomore year, where I carried my lovely camera around with me EVERYWHERE. I was taking pictures and came across these 'I'm cool in my own way and no one will fuck with me because I look like I can take anything you throw at me' kids. They were pretty awesome and no one really did fuck with them. I used to envy the way they all looked and acted how they didnt care what others thought... even though they really were just a bunch of kids who did care what others thought and did get their feelings hurt and did have drama... I wanted to be part of their group. So I tried. Failed for a while, but still kept trying. Then I made friends with AJ, who is now my boyfriend. I was friends with him and Devon. Not Nina, Tara, Doug, Jon, Steph, Ashley, or any other people I would soon after be friends with. I hung out with Jessica and Emily (who so much alike in looks that it was eerie...) and Jay and Jake and then slowly started to realize that I didn't want to be anything like these people. I hated them. I wanted to fit in with them, but I hated them. I just wanted to fit in somewhere. So here I was, 15 years old and convinced that if I couldn't hang out with the fucked up kids or the nerd reading manga and I wasn't cheerleader material and couldn't stand brushing my hair let alone curling it and wearing makeup every day... I must belong with this group that didn't belong anywhere. Don't get me wrong, they eventually turned out to be good people, sorta... But in the mean time, I asked AJ out, he said ask my friends if they approve then I'll date you... I asked, they approved, he still said no... Whatever, jerk. Then he dated Devon... WHATEVER BOTH OF YOU JERKS! No big deal. I sucked it up and dealt with whatever was thrown at me in a pathetic attempt to fit in where I didn't belong and I knew it. My best friend didn't go to school with me and we were drifting apart, so I needed to cut my strangely shaped puzzle piece into a shape that fit the hole they were trying to fill. I hung around and then Devon dumped AJ and some how that night I ended up being his girlfriend. I thought everything was great and I had friends... but they were really just around for AJ because then he moved and they sorta left... Which was a really hard time in my life (I had just lost the man that I looked up to as my grandfather, and then 10 days later AJ moved to Washington, then all my friends kinda disappeared... thats fucked up when you're only 16 and feel lost enough...) I kinda hung back and tried to be part of a group that once accepted me, then kinda fell apart when he left... but it was strange and I felt out of place... Then we had some stupid falling out over Junior year in highschool... Epic failure. By Senior year I had no friends and was going to just keep myself in a box until college, then keep myself in a box there too because I hated every one for hating me. Pointless idea. I never dropped contact with Devon, even though the rest of the group seemed to hate her for no apparent reason. So come Senior year I started talking to her more and wanted to hang out with those really pretty long haired twins that looked like they had it all, the friends and the looks and everything. Found out Nina had a baby (right after Junior Prom) and I talked to her about keeping him because it was the right thing to do now that he was already in the world you might as well enjoy it instead of going through all that pain and suffering for nothing. So... she keeps him and we move along with our story... I show Nina and Tara what Twilight is... because I'm a super dork and read Twilight before it was popular (aka when I was about 17 years old...)!! Then I met Jon and Steph and all the other nerds (I say this as a loving term, don't take offense!) I started hanging out with them and with this group I felt like I could totally be myself...

Note to self : NEVER GET COMFORTABLE!

I start hanging out with them and the group splits up a little more each week... leaving me just standing there like 'uh wtf'

We graduate, I throw a graduation party and do you know who came? Doug. ONE PERSON!
Was I invited to anyone else's graduation party? No I was not.
Why am I writing this blog and telling you all of this? Because I needed something to blog about first of all... secondly its because a few things have really been bothering me lately and I really think that deleting a few people from my facebook would make life easier for me to handle.
I forgot to mention how I met Doug and Ashley.
Doug was in the same class I met Devon in. French. Sweet. Doug was cool and cute and weird and friendly. so I made the occasional stop near him at lunch to say hi, and then he merged with the cool nerdy kids Senior year.
Ashley was in my history class. we talked alot and she knew AJ but I didnt meet her through him. I loved hanging out with her and listening to music and just being myself.
Why is ashley relevant at all to this blog? because like I said... we're going to talk about friendship and how I am feeling today. and I am feeling annoyed by my so called friends.

Everyone started hating on Devon, which I had to stick up for because over all she has been a pretty well rounded constant in my friendship life. She stops by every once in a while just to see me or say hi, which means that she gives a fuck. That is awesome, and if I had a car or a means to get anywhere I would have returned the favor, but she knows I'm more or less a hermit.

Ashley posts that she has nothing to do, but I've been bothering her for MONTHS if not over a year to come see me and we could listen to music and drink and take pictures and whatever she wanted to do... but she has nothing to do and she has a day off and I ask her to come over and her excuse is that she has no gas money? ok I will give you gas money. No. She has a flat tire. Ok whatever... Every time I ask its like she has something better to do or some excuse to stay away from me.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
I just feel that if these people were any kind of friends to me they would have invited me to their graduation party, or birthday parties, or Christmas parties... I mean they did. once. and then never again after... I don't really understand. Was there yet another meeting I was left out of? One that they all discussed how to conveniently leave me out of everything? Know what I do now with my days... I dropped out of college due to my mentor getting fired (he also stopped talking to me, i.e. responding to my emails). I was going to move to Washington because it seemed like a good idea at the time, but didn't because I was afraid to leave home. Now I sit at home and clean or eat or read or blog. I beg people I used to hang out with to come over and let me take their pictures because my idea of fun now is taking the pictures, putting them on my comp and then editing them for hours and hours and well you get the point.

I got so tired of trying to fit in places that I have just accepted that I am better off alone. I do much better when I sit at home mostly alone and keep to myself. I accepted the simple idea that maybe people just don't like me. I've accepted it but that doesn't mean I understand it or will ever stop being hurt by the past events of my 'friends' simply forgetting my existence. Its ok. I'll live I guess.

One things for sure... my baby brother will just be my best friend. at least he won't leave me....... yet... and when he can leave me I will be so old I won't need you stupid people anymore.