Ok I know I'm irrational. I know I'm lazy and unmotivated and I never brush my hair and I would rather wear sweat pants than anything else in the world. I could sit and crochet or read a novel for a week and forget to shower until someone asks me "when was the last time you showered" then I start thinking about it and feeling bad about my horrible attention to hygiene. Just sayin'. I could walk around the block 3 times and know that half way through the first time, I'm out of breath and really would rather walk in the stupid house as I pass it, but I also know that if I stop then I'll never stay this ridiculous size I am right now, which if you were wondering, is big. I'm not the prettiest, the smallest, the smartest, or the funniest person ever. I, as previously stated, forget simple personal hygiene, I never wear make up, and for the first time in a few years, I bought deodorant for WOMEN instead of men. Yes, I'm a little spacey and I literally stare at a wall for a few hours a week... just blankly staring and thinking and then my eyes hurt and water and I think about blinking... never actually do it... that i notice... but I think about it. I need things spelled out for me and romance is not in my vocabulary. I tried to be romantic and it kinda just failed.... REALLY failed. I mean I guess I picked someone that was kinda repulsed by it, but I really stopped. I suppose it was out of fear. Fear that he would find me clingy or obsessed... I don't like sounding obsessive... even though my recent blogs pretty much make me sound really obsessive and weird and if I were someone else I would consider a restraining order because I kinda creep myself out... but either way. This is my place to be me and even though he has the info to read my blog now, I've released my hold on the blogs I had posted and then took down. Simply because this is where I tell my feelings and thoughts and this is my sanctuary. I don't care if you come in and take a gander, just don't touch the delicates. They break easy and I do cry very easily. Ok not very easily, I know girls that cry ALOT easier than I do... I just brood. I sit here and stir. I freak the fuck out after silence and build up and then I let it out and wait for the other persons response and then I may or may not calm the fuck down.
I wana talk about something else. sorry. random subject change.
Relationships? I don't like them. I get too involved too fast and I always feel like an obsessive freak of nature. I mean I would much rather someone live far away and be in a relationship with them like that because I don't share well. I like my bed to myself most of the time, my personal space shouldn't be invaded when i make it clear that I do not want to be touched. My clothes, ARE MY CLOTHES, not yours. When I want you to go away I can just tell you I'm not in the mood or some lame excuse and you wouldn't know the difference. I value my privacy and things usually have to be MY way. When I get my own life going, Christmas is Halloween, and visa versa. I will hang my clothes up straight out of the dryer, put my dirty clothes in laundry baskets, keep the toilet seat lid down, always have clean dishes and frozen burritos, and ALWAYS have a sheet on my bed. My canopy will be up, as well as my artwork. My pillow is MY pillow. You get my drift right? Maybe I feel this way because things weren't my way for the last 3 years and I hated it because I started trying to force my life to be what I wanted and not what "we" wanted because we never talked about what "we" wanted. Good thing there is no "we" anymore because the communication and give-and-take was seriously lacking.
One things for sure. I still don't feel bad.
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