Snuff

I can't bring myself to do it. I want to, believe me, I do. I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you I was molested as a kid by other kids and therefore I chose to only be with one person who in the end didnt love me at all and was too afraid to be honest and hurt my feelings. he was too much of a boy and not enough of a man to tell me that he can't look me in the eyes and be honest that he wasnt in love with me anymore and hadnt been for a long time. I trusted him more than anyone I have ever trusted and it was thrown back in my face. So excuse me if I'm being hesitant to tell you everything but I don't want you to be him and I'm afraid of that... Not saying that I think you are... not at all. But I don't actually KNOW this do I? no I don't and I need to know that you are man enough to tell me the truth if it comes down to that. I also don't want you to know everything because then what? What is the point in that? You will know me inside and out at that point and when you don't like my past or my thoughts or feelings and you think I'm childish or complicated you will leave. Then I will have confided in you everything about myself, therefore giving myself over to you and you will have left. and then I'm left with parts of me missing... I know not literally. I know that I still have it all but once I had you that part you can't just hand it back and walk away... You can however take it and leave and then either way the piece doesn't fit any more.It will have been removed and altered by your knowledge and then what? then where am I supposed to put that? in a pile of discarded copies that other people tampered with and held for a moment? You value your privacy and would hate it if someone knew everything about you and you don't tell me shit about yourself so why should I open up that much and let go of everything about me? that doesn't seem logical or fair. Sometimes I don't even think that you're in this like I am because I don't see it... you don't express it at all. Thats why I kinda got pissed about you not saying that you love me too, because if you do then you should always tell that person. Just like how I think you are amazing and gorgeous and I love you. I TELL YOU ALL OF THAT! Because its true and you should know I think that... You shouldnt know everything I think... but that is something you should know... I'll do this with you but you have to be patient with me and when I do open up I don't want your pity. I don't want you to tell me you are sorry for anything that happened to me and I most likely don't want to sit down and talk it out... there is nothing to talk about really.. you want to know? I'll tell you... in time and when you decide to open up to me I'll open up to you. Until then? I think that you need to be patient. You were hurt once and you have walls up, so this is my first time being hurt and I have my walls up right now... lower yours and I'll lower mine. I can't hurt you. I wouldn't know how... However I know you can hurt me and without knowing how and without knowing exactly what it is that will hurt me you can do it with a simple comment and break me... You have that much power over me as it is, so if I let you in then I have nothing to hold.. nothing to hide... and I don't know that you will be around for the long hall because sometimes you say things that make me so unsure... I'm not one that deals with uncertainty and esteem issues very well... so when you say things and do things that feel like a full on punch to my stomach then I kinda shut down and it makes me more afraid to open up... you don't even have to know when you do it or how and I wouldn't tell you because then you aren't being you, you are being an altered version of you to fit my needs and I can't handle that... I mean I want to... but I would feel guilty for it. I'm a girl and I think one way about most things and then finer details I think completely different about... I'm over emotional and have been doing a great job at hiding it for a few months now and I do want to let you in but I can't do it without the process being reciprocated. There is just so much, and I don't want you to hate me for thinking things that I think and for things I did in my past or any of it... I'm so afraid of that... Be patient with me please?