i know there are alot of things that factor in im just frustrated
Athila says:
Well, this is a LDR... if nobody ever made you feel like I did, it's your first experience and you gotta learn how to deal with it.
Tiff says:
you arent the first person to make me feel like this
but its been 5 years since i delt with it last so... im guna go for a walk. im getting angrier
Your Video Call has ended.
Athila says:
Not a problem. Do what you like and take this time to relax.
you know what. I'm sorry I'm getting so angry about everything, I knew this is what I got into. I've delt with this before, I just don't remember how. I don't know what to do sometimes. I'm more afraid of losing you over time than I am of anything else I suppose. I'm afraid that you'll want someone else, that this won't last like this for you. I know I can hold on forever if thats what it takes... I just want to know if you are ok with this or if you will give up. I hate this part. not knowing how you think or how you feel because you're too busy being analytical. you act too unbiased about the whole situation. like you couldn't care much either way. and you refer to it as just me feeling this way but I don't know how you feel and I want to know because not knowing drives me absolutely fucking insane. I love you. I want to be with you. Only you, even if I have to wait years! I know thats enough for me, but I don't know if it is enough for you. I just want you to show some kind of emotion. I want to know whats going on in your head, how you feel about me, what you think... ya know what, maybe it would be easier for you to say it all in Portuguese and then I'll just fucking translate it myself. I'm ok with doing that. I just want to know! I want to know if I'm the only one feeling like this. I want to know if this is enough for you. if this makes you happy. if this is what you are willing to deal with for the next year almost. THIS is what I'm talking about you being so closed off. no emotion, just analyisis! this is the one thing I fucking hate more than anything. I want you to tell me how YOU feel, not analyze how I feel because I already know how I feel, you know how I feel, we both know my feelings but only you know yours. and that fucking drives me insane. if we're in this together then you need to tell me. just like I tell you. be unedited, uncensored, raw and stop thinking about how I feel because I understand my own feelings, I want to know yours. I've never had to deal with someone as... closed off and proper as you. Its extremely frustrating and makes me want to scream. JUST TELL ME! I know when we first met and you said you control your emotions and I said I don't and that I let them run wild and do what they are going to do because its better to let myself feel something rather than not let myself feel anything... but this is one of those times when I wish I could control my emotions... I want you to NOT control yours, just once. sometimes talking to you when I'm not looking at you and when you aren't able to talk back right away makes things easier... makes me think clear... well as clear as I can... which usually isn't very clear. anyways. I love you.
All of this stemmed from him telling me that he will be here in November at the latest... Ok, it started out as "I'll be there in July" then changed to "October I'll be there alright?" to "I just signed up for more courses the other day and by the way worst case I'll be there in November." Oh? I'm sorry but I was a little angry and confused. I know its only a month longer than anticipated I suppose but I was also laying here looking at myself on cam and how I could see my own face while knowing that I was pissed and that I could almost see my thoughts on my face and then I got even more mad... so pretty much I got pissed that I could see that I was pissed which just made me look more pissed which just pissed me off that much more. Thank you vicious cycle!
One things for sure... this.
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