Uncertainty and lack of sleep

I have written the beginning of about 3 blogs in the last few days and then leave them alone because I can't keep up with my thoughts, they ran off someplace... SOOOOO when I find them again those will be posted... until then heres a bit of annoyance...

I kinda sorta hate dating someone who isn't a native english speaker... I know people tried to tell me that this would happen... that I would hit that spot where we are talking about different things and that someone will think the other will understand and they wont and it will be stupid and confusing and bullshit. yea. pure fucking bullshit.

I sent him a relationship request on facebook a few months ago when we first got together... he didnt reply to it and by doing that it let my FB say "in a relationship with Athila Mattos" and have a link to his page... cool.
and I don't mind that he wouldn't put ANY relationship status at all... I don't really mind that at all to be honest... It bothered me a lot at first and sometimes when its brought up it pisses me off that he is that shut off and private... However, today... I get on and it just says "in a relationship" and doesnt say him... so therefore I knew he denied it... So I asked about it and he said he thought it was just like the friend requests, it would just go to a "not now" section and be idle until he responded... told me to send it again and I said "no it doesnt matter you won't accept it any ways, it will just sit there like it did last time." and he got all deep on me...

Tiff says:
 why, you wont accept it.
Athila says:
 are you sad for this ?
Tiff says:
 annoyed
 but its ok
Athila says:
 i dont like when it happens, sorry
Tiff says:
  *thumbs up*
Athila says:
 ¬¬
 Sorry I dont want to make you sad but I seems like I cant
Tiff says:
 ?
Athila says:
 this is what I am talking about...
Tiff says:
 i said its ok
 why are you still talking about it
Athila says:
 because I don't feel ok.
 it's like deception
 and i can't stand it
 if you really want to know, that's why, it's one of the worst feelings for me...
 to know that people are like this to me
Tiff says:
 just drop it, its fine
 its whatever you want it to be
Athila says:
 i know but I also know how nice you are to me and all the things you do, write and feel and I can't do the same so that's why I feel uncomfortable
 I don't wanna rule anything here
 but I just don't feel comfortable
Tiff says:
 its
 fine
 its
 ok
 done feeling bad about things i said were fine?
Athila says:
 yes...
Tiff says:
 good
Athila says:
 I love you
Tiff says:
 i love you too

and then later I was laying here listening to music just... being here... not mad not thinking about anything but the lyrics of the songs... and this...

Athila says:

 hmmm

 wait 

 what's wrong with you?

Tiff says:

 idk

Athila says:

 you are wrong somehow, right ? 

Tiff says:

 always have been

Athila says:

 no.

 what's inside your mind ?

Tiff says:

 idk

Athila says:

 ok

 so think

 and I will go to sleep 

 ok ?

 donnt look at me with those eyes like someone wants to kill another one

Tiff says:

 thats not those eyes

Athila says:

 I know.

 I am just kidding

 do you understand why I feel bad for some of the small things ? they lead people to think things like the ones you are thinking of right now, it generates insecureness and all the shit is done.

Tiff says:

 mhm

Athila says:

 this is what you are thinking, and if you don't know what's inside your mind, this is.

 Confusion.

Tiff says:

 i know whats inside my mind i just dont feel the need to tell you

Athila says:

 I can figure it out anyway, don't worry.

Tiff says:

 you did.

Athila says:

 What ?

 Figured ?

Tiff says:

  *thumbs up*

Athila says:

 Look, Tiffinnie Andrea Anne Morris-McHenry, I don't wanna hurt you but I'm not perfect, so I am sorry if I am not what you want me to be. I already made the mistake and I really think in situations like this, there's nothing to do.

Tiff says:

 dont use my full name

 you are just making the confusion worse

 so stop

Athila says:

 Absolutely. I am disconnecting now, so please, take your time to rest and think, even knowing you don't like to do it.

Maybe my mission is to help people to find themselves, if this is correct, don't lose this chance. I already told you that I am completely different from everyone you've ever met, seen and talked to and I will continue to be this person for a long time.

Tiff says:

 whatever

Athila says:

 Don't be nervous.

Tiff says:

 im not

Athila says:

 Anxious or whatever

Tiff says:

 no

Athila says:

 Good.

 Remember, I like you and I wanna see you well. I've been trying my best so far, but sometimes things just go out of the script

Tiff says:

 you clearly arent going to stop so heres whats bothering me about all of this

 your wording either sucks or you don't feel the same way i do about you

 and if thats the case then you're leading me on and that makes me mad

Athila says:

 yeah... sure... I better stop here.

 So, have a great time, love.

Tiff says:

 gee thanks for the reassurance. bye.

  

  Your Video Call has ended.

  

Athila says:

 See? These are the small things. Anyway, all the best. (((signs out)))

Tiff said (10:02 AM):

 all of them matter, the small and the not so small. i love you. all im asking is that you love me too and then you say shit that makes me sit here and question it. while courting someone you don't act like one person and then once you've got them where you want them you can't just stop doing what it was that got them there.. and another side note is that i know im being stupid and childish

 and angry because you said you were going to disconnect and you had already told me you werent.

 then i got irritated

Tiff said (10:04 AM):

 and its stupid and whatever and fuckit. I hate that nothing is ever crystal clear with you. its all a "up to interpretation" game and then when i ask straight out its another game of "up to interpretation" and you're right i havent met anyone like you but this is all really fucked up cuz i just want straight forward black and white answers with you because you tend to play in the grey and it

 drives me fucking insane

*BREATHES*

I haven't slept in a really long time and I am kinda pissed off and wish he would get on and talk to me about this without being a native portuguese speaker because all of what he said to me sounds like he doesnt feel the same way about me that i do about him and that hurts. that makes me mad that he wont just say it if its like that and if it isnt like that then why does it sound like that in a twisted "i don't speak english natively so im trying my best to say it like this" way!!! FUCK.

One thing's for sure, I might find all of this a little silly and retarded when I wake up, but I NEED SOME SLEEP SO I DONT GO INSANE.